Monday, February 27, 2012

Pick me ups

I don't know about you guys, but I have the Monday blah's. So, I decided to try to find something uplifting on the internet. Here is what I came up with. Only a few more hours & then I get to cuddle up & watch bachelor.



Saturday, February 25, 2012


I once had a tooth. A very bad tooth. 

It had given me problems since I was 15 years old. It had been drilled & filled. It had been root canaled.  And on Wednesday, very unexpectedly, it got yanked out of my mouth. Now, for those of you who don't know...I have a very legitimate fear of dentist...a fear that requires ativan. On Wednesday I didn't take my ativan. I was feeling confident. Happy to be getting it fixed, again. It is the way these things always happen isn't it? You are faced with your own personal nightmare when you least expect it...when you let your guard down a little. BAM! It finds ya. In my case it came due to an X-ray that reveled a really bad infection trapped under my tooth. Before I knew it, I was getting 6 needles & having my tooth ripped out of my head. Wow... I'm not going to go into detail here about the actual pulling, as I see it as kinda like talking about your never know who reading is going to find themselves someday in labor & I don't want to be the reason that they are refusing to go into the delivery room...same here. I don't want to be responsible for you getting up out of your dentist chair when they tell you that they have to pull your tooth. But, ummm, that's exactly what you should do...get up & run the hell out. Jooooking, kinda
Anyways... I survived. My worst nightmare became a reality & I survived. Just another challenge that I overcame.Yay me!! Okay, so it wasn't pretty. My legs shook the whole entire time I was getting the needles & the dentist had to keep repeating "it's okay sherri, just breathe thru your nose...breathe thru your nose...breathe thru your nose" & the dentist assitant kept wiping my face as tears were pouring out of my eyes. So yeah, it wasn't pretty, but I survived. And I better keep working on my fears, cuz I hear the whole "implant process" isn't exactly pleasent. Lovely :)

Monday, February 20, 2012

My lil miracle

I just re-read this post & it seriously gave me goose bumps, just the memory of it. I wanted to share it here again, just because it is one of my most special stories. I once & only lifetime experience...I want to remember it forever

I'm writing this because I have always wanted to journal this experience. So I am doing it here. Actually, I did write it once but I ended up burning that journal, so I am telling it again:) This honestly, truly happened to me. I kid you not. It was/is one of the most incredible, inspiring, spiritual, experience's that has ever happened to me. Okay, picture it...
It was early April 2006, it was rainy & cold in the city I was living in at the time. I was sitting in a coffee shop, reading the paper, waiting for my bus. I was in the big comfy chair by the fire, watching people coming in & out. This older, stylish, professional lady, whose hair was completely grey, the beautiful shiny kinda grey, caught me watching her come in. She grabbed her coffee & sat directly across from me, in the other big comfy chair We exchanged quick smiles. I went back to reading my paper. She was reading a thick, hardcover novel(Wow, I can't believe the details I can remember). We sat that way for maybe 5 minutes when she asked me if I could read a passage in her book to her out loud. I said certainly. She marked where I was to begin & end. I was nervous, but I have read out loud tons to kids, so I was also feeling kinda calm. I was about 5 words in when I was hit. I was reading about a young woman on a journey, looking to settle, and not really sure how, struggling with who she was. This effin stuff was about me.I was experiencing almost this exact turmoil that was being described. I remember feeling very overwhelmed (and I remember that feeling not leaving). I teared up as I was reading it. I looked up at her, she had her eyes closed. I stopped at her mark. I had read almost half a page. She smiled, thanked me for it reading it to her. She said she was giving a speech later that day and she needed to feel the author, in that moment, to be able to perform her speech the way she intended. I was speechless. I wanted to say something...something  meaningful. But I was speechless. She got up to leave & as she put on her jacket, she turned to me, looked me straight in the eye(she literally made my heart stand still), leaned to me and said"expect a miracle". I looked at her with my mouth open, I swear. I didn't say anything & she was gone. I was in a dreamlike state all day, thinking about what it could have meant. Who was this lady? Was this some kind of random coincidence? I told D & about it that night (he responded with a "freaky") & I called my BFF. I knew she would feel me on this one. She didn't let me down. She felt as touched by something as I did. She was quiet for a moment, and then said"omg, you're going to have a baby". I said "What?? NO. No. No.No" she said "are you late?" & I said  "only 4 days, but I've been stressed" she said "Sher, I'm a mom. The only miracle, is having a baby". I said " I was hoping I was going to win the lottery" she said "Sorry sister"(Swear. This is so so true!). I told D what she said, he responded with a "yikes". This was Friday night. Monday morning we took the test. Yup. Pregnant! 3.5months pregnant. That's right. Had my period the whole time, till the last one. Not a sign of pregnancy(at least I thought so at the time, looking back...there were a couple signs). Found out in April we were pregnant had baby by September 5th. Miracle:)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

A journey

It's been a little over a year since I found out I have anxiety disorder. I mean, I knew for a long long time that I had an anxiety problem, but I never really thought it was a disorder. It's been a strange time, actually. I feel like I have been thru the ringer a little, to be honest. But i also feel more free then I ever have in my life.  But the feeling that is the most overwhelming is relief. Holy, there were points in my life when I thought I had something much worse wrong with me. Also, the diagnose gave me the answer to my question that I had asked myself, um maybe 100 million times in my life....what's is wrong with me? what the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously, a 100 million times that went thru my head. In May I got my answer. Anxiety.. The tricky thing with anxiety is that it comes out a thousand different ways. It is literally different for everybody. What is also interesting, at least to me, is that every living person feels anxious at some point & time in their life. For some people though, like me, the grey line that is between "typical anxiety" &  an anxiety disorder is very blurry.
 So this blog...this blog is the story of my anxiety, my blurry grey line. What it has done to me over the years. How it has played into hundreds of bad decisions. Anxiety had power in my life for a long long time. It's still there. But a little less powerless. That's improvement, baby. You are talking to a girl who never ever thought things could be different. That I could be different. For me, anxiety really leaked into my self-esteem. Looking back I can'tbelieve how little confidence I had in myself. It's make me sad. But it also makes me mad. I missed out on alot of pretty amazing opportunities because I didn't believe in myself. Because I couldn't control my freaking anxiety. Because I let the stupid self talk in my head, tell me I couldn't do something. I backed out of everything. I made plans that I never kept. I committed myself to people, events, only to pull out last second. I have literally used every excuse in the book to get out of something that I had wanted to do. That I was excited about. I would wake up in the morning, go thru my whole morning routine, get completely ready for work only to find myself on the phone, telling someone that I was sick. I wont be in today. Hundreds of times. It's embarrassing. Shameful. But it was who I was. WAS. I'm trying. I really am. I have gotten alot better with my self talk & that in its self, has helped huge. I'm motivated. More motivated than I have ever been. I want to know myself. The real me. Not the anxiety ridden person. But me. The girl who loves daises, music, her children.I'm on a journey. A journey to a place where I blame myself for nothing but forgive for everything. Yup, that is where I want to be. I bet there, I will find peace. Finally.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Strong enough

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”

Friday, February 17, 2012


On December 15th, here in Alberta, there was a triple murder suicide. 2 of the 3 people killed were from the same province as I grew up in where my family still lives, living in the same province as I do now. There was a third person as well, a girl, 21. Her name is Shayna & she survived. She was shot 3 times, left for dead, but she survived. I can't imagine the long road she has ahead of her. I mean really. Their story goes a little like this{this is just my summery of what i have been following on the news}...

2 young 20 yearolds from a small province, best friends, baseball teammates. Their names are Mitch & Tanner. It was Tanner's bday & they had stayed out late partying. They were both flying home together for Christmas holidays. Shayna, Tanner's ex-gfriend, or gfriend, I'm not sure, but friends obviously, was driving them 3 hours to the airport. She was driving her friends vehicle. Her's friends name is Tabitha. Tabitha has an ex-boyfriend name Derek. Derek followed them, rammed into the back of Tabitha's SUV. Shayna, who was driving, got out. He shot her 3 times. He then shot Tabitha, Mitch, & Tanner. Killing them. He then turned the gun on himself. Wtf, eh? How does this even happen.

I can't tell you how much this tragedy has affected me. Grown me up. I feel connected to it in such strong way, even though I did not know any of the kids involved. But I relate to all of them. I mean. Shayna. I was Shayna. Living away. Driving a friends vehicle. It's such a miracle that she survived. She was meant to survive. She amazes me.

Those boys. I feel connected to them in a couple different ways. First, I know what it is like for boys, from my  island, to be living out west. I know how damn excited they get when their boys gets home & they get to drink beer together again. I know what it is like to be excited to be flying home for Chirstmas. I feel like, in away, I knew what they were feeling. And a mother. I can't imagine what their precious families are going thru. They were innocent bystanders in all of this, & that has to be an extremly difficult thing to accept. They were almost pro ball players. They were so so loved by their friends, their teammates, their coaches & their families. I did not know them & I feel their void here on earth so I can only imagine what the families are feeling.

Tabitha. Her family spoke @ the memorial that was held for all these amazing people. They devastated, of course, to lose this vibrant, beautiful part of their family. They showed a video of her, car dancing &  it truly showed her personality. She was lovable. You could tell. Her life ended much too short. Ended by her ex-boyfriend. Bless her beautiful heart. 

Derek. I mean. What to say. He seemed like he was a good person,before that dreaded night on the highway, I have no idea. It seemed to surprise everyone in his life that he was capable of this. He was moving to start his life in a new city after his breakup with Tabitha. I don't know what went so wrong for him that night...he took innocent lives. Affected innocent people. His parents. Suffering terribly, I'm sure. Trying to make sense of what happened to their son. And he's gone too...
via facebook

This whole tragedy has woken me up. I have to say, I have never felt more vulnerable, but you never know what day will be your last. Or what day will be last for someone you love. I wont take for granted my life any more. Not after grieving for lives gone so innocently. I think of Shayna everyday. She here, in the same city as myself, physically recovering. I can only imagine that the emotional wounds will take significantly longer.