Ramblings

Okay seriously. These boys of mine got way too much "stuff" at Christmas. So why then, are they constantly, & I mean constantly, bugging at me? I just don't get it. It got so intense this morning with mommy I wants, that I finally screamed "HOLY CROWFEET PEOPLE, I'M ABOUT TO FREAKIN LOSE IT". It didn't help at all. All it did was cause Z to run around the house screaming "freakin lose it. Freakin lose it." Lovely.

I'm made this Cranberry Salsa & I can't stop eating it. It's kinda reaching the disgusting point seeing as I'm eating straight out of the bowl now. No chips or nothing. It's just so damn good & pretty. I could never turn anything pretty down. Cranberries in general I have been inhaling, lately. Can't get enough of them. They are so delish in baking, & my pee has never been such a bright yellow!!  Tmi tmi, I know:)

Lemon cranberry loaf

I have this amazing girlfirend who is children's performer. She works for a Treehouse now company & every time she comes to our city she invites my family to go see the show. The boys get to go back stage & meet the characters & everything. They have already meet Max & Ruby, Franklin & his gang, & next week we will get to meet Toopy & Binoo(which both boys can hardly wait for). We then have her over for wine & supper (by far my favorite part). She comes about 4 times a year & she is coming next week & I can not wait to see her!! I so so miss my girlfriends!!

I'm really hating the cold this year. Seriously, why do I live here?! Well, I know why I live here; cuz of hubby's job, but seriously I want to become a 'snowbird', so badly. Live here during the summer months & winter somewhere hot. Sigh, a dream indeed. Speaking of hot places...

I am going to bitch, again, about reading everyone's status updates on fb about going somewhere hot this winter. And, it's not only on fb. My mom is going to the Dominican. I have one sister n law going to Mexico, my other sister n law going to Jamaica(damn her!), several of my cousins & girlfriends are hitting the beach & me at home, freakin freezing my ass off. Pity party, please!! Honestly though, I am happy for them I just wish I was going too, ya know...

New Name

1st time cooking with fresh cranberries, yum!

Okay, so I decided to change my blog name to Mommy's Lil Corner. This blog has become my voice, & this is where I speak, I guess. I was shocked at how large the blog world was, so many people had already found their voice. I was very intimidated & not sure how I would be heard. But here I am, in my lil corner, saying what I feel. I am dedicating alot more time to my blog in the new year & I really want to feel completely comfortable here. So a name change it is! We got a surprise present this year from my parents- a new camera!!!!! I was so pumped! Expect alot more pictures, people!! Okay, getting ready to hit the mall!

Awesomeness

Christmas. Come & Gone. I loved every moment. I just tried to breathe it all in, ya know. My boys. They amaze the hell out of me. So sensitive & caring. Understood the giving & receiving will beyond their little years. I just love their energy. I feel like I finally "did something" by creating them & putting them out in the world. They are beautiful people, those boys, & I am just so thankful to be a part of their lives. I just love them. This deep crazy kinda love that makes me wanna...get up & just hug & hug & hug them.  You know what I'm talking about, right?! It's a very intense love. A Mother's  love. We love these littles from the moment we find out that we have another heart beating inside of us. It's true, it's intense... but sometimes, like on Christmas mornings, it is the lightest love. Watching them be excited. Be right there in the moment with them. Shit, I even felt that little kid excitement again, when I opened  all the little wrapped gifts in my stocking. Yes, Christmas was wonderful!!

  I still have hubby home for anther two days. Now that Christmas is officially ova I am hoping he will loosen up a little. I told him the other night that I thought he needed to get drunk. He told me that I was completely right. When could he go?? In the new year, I told him. Lol! I have big huge plans for myself this new year. I am not putting huge expectations on myself but I'm hella motivated. 2010 was not a great year for me, & I want alot more out of 2011. I also am going to commit myself more to this blog. I still have so much to figure out. But I really want to do this, so I am going really commit!Woot woot!! My dayhome is starting in January, & we are pretty much all ready to go. I'm excited for this adventure... honestly I'm excited for all the adventures the next year have in store for us. I love this feeling. 12 whole months completely open days, just waiting to be filled. Oh, & they will. Good things this new year, please!?! On that note, I am going to check my lotto max numbers!!! I hope anyone who is reading this, if there is anyone(lol!), I hope you had a wonderful, peaceful, happy Christmas!! Peace & love...

Refueling

I'm on a Christmas roller coaster. One minute I am happy/excited about the holiday, & literally, the next minute I just want it to be over. My hubby & I see Christmas differently & every year it presents us a problem. D sees Christmas as stressful. Over marketed. Bah humbug kinda holiday. I looooove Christmas. Especially with the boys. I remember my childhood as being....stressful. Christmas Day was one day that I actually remember enjoying. I work really hard to create the kind of Christmas that I dreamed about. Now, I said I remember Christmas Day as being enjoyable. Leading up to Christmas. Very stressful for my mother. Very stressful for all of us. So, the kind of Christmas I dreamed about was just a regular, ordinary Christmas. I bake with my boys. We all decorate the tree together. I let them attempt to wrap their own gifts. Whatever. D wants everything...smaller. Easier. Cheaper. I don't know. He's right in one aspect, but....it's Christmas. I just wish things weren't such a fight these days. Oh well. Onward & forward. Yesterday I wished I was still a university student. Looking forward to exams being over & having that month break. Man, what I would give to have a month's break. The constant "mommy" is like fingernails on the chalkboard, lately. I mean, I looooove me my babies, but momma needs a lil break. I'm not gonna get one, of course. Hopefully, I will be able to steal a few hours here & there over the holidays, but I certainly wont get a "break break". But I will get refueled. Christmas morning. Watching my boys. Feeling their happiness. Can't wait. My soul soooo needs it:)

lucky

 I am amazed at the things that come out of my hubby's mouth, sometimes! One of my personal fave's is "how can I do that when I'm watching the kids? Like, how can I do both?" Like, really? Really?  Everything I do, from the moment I get up in the morning, to the moment they go to bed, I do it with them. Everything. I answer the same everytime "u can do this, babe. If I can do it, then u sure as hell will!" Lol! I sound kinda mean, but really...  I really never knew, or even really thought about, just how different men & women are from one another. It really is mindboggling, and a bit of a miracle that we can co-habite together, if ya ask me. I don't know about y'all, but I find it pretty challenging. It has nothing to do with love. I love my man to the moon & back. It has nothing to do with that. It's just that he's a man (a man's man at that) & I'm a woman. My life, my relationships, it's all based around my emotions, baby. The good, the bad, the ugly...I cry through it all. This, drives my husband, insane. I'm pretty sure he thinks I intentionally cry, just to hit a soft spot with him. "So not true", I tell him everytime he accuses me of that. I especially love it when he demands me to stop crying. Please stop crying. You don't need to cry. DUDE,  I can't turn it turn it off like a faucet. Trust me. I wish I could. I can't. This is why I am so grateful to be a woman. Have girlfriends. Who have wiped many a tears from cheecks. That have held me & just let me cry out. They encourage me to let it out, baby. There is nothing better then a solid girlfriendship. I have 2. One here in Calgary. She is like a little sister. Our bond is super strong. She is younger then me & I see so much of myself in her. I love her to bit & pieces.
anything & she would never ever judge me. She is my soul sister. I just wish we didn't live million of miles away from each other. But really, it doesn't matter. We text all the time. I just really wish we could go for coffee together. Like a 5 hour coffee. Sigh. I miss her. So thankful for these girls, & the girls in my life who make me laugh with their ridiculous texts. Or seeing friends from long ago pictures on fb. For Laur, my cousin, who texts me out of the blue to say she is thinking of me & loves me. I mean, how lucky am I? Oh yeah, & back to my hubby. I may complain about him(alot?!) but he's awesome. He works crazy hard. Makes me laugh. Alot. Makes me the yummiest coffee. And is bitching at me right now to go take a shower, so that we wont be late for the kids Christmas party. Peace out:)

When I grow up...

When I first went to college, I was 17. I had no idea what I was doing. I had know idea what it meant to go to school to find your career. To plan for your future. I had no idea about any of that. All I knew, was that I was getting out my mother's house & at the time, that was the only thing I really cared about(that's a whole other blog post, someday!). That and my student loan money. I cared about that too.  I went into Human Services because it was what I got into. I'm not really sure if I even new at the time that it meant working with children with special needs. I took the 3 year course. Graduated when I was just about to turn 21. I tried to get a couple jobs in that area & didn't get any. I left the Island shortly after that for "out west". Ended up more Central than West & got my first job in an elementary school working with a behavioural student in grade 5. I was in so over my head.  I was 21, & responsible for a boy who would physical attack me, other students, his teacher. He would spit, runaway, start food fights & I was resposible for him. I've actually just pointed out all his issues that he needed to work on, but he was also a very sweet, smart,  kid. He would bake & bring me cookies all the time. When he was having a good day, he was fantastic. Fun, funny, charming. A good kid. He taught me alot. The whole time I lived in that city I worked in the education system. Worked with hundreds of kids. They truly taught me more then I could ever have taught them, I am sure of that. When we moved, while I was 7 months preggers with Z, I was so sad to leave my job. I wasn't sure what kind of job I would end up with after my maternity leave. I wanted to continue in the Education system, but I will admit I was bit bored & was hoping for some sort of new challenge (as if being a new momma wasn't enough!). Just before Z was to turn 1, I got an interview for a job working with children with autism in the early intervention stage(ages 2-6). The company had a very specific way of teaching, something new to me, and I was so eager to learn everything I could about ABA therapy & discreet trial teaching, I think I flooded our computer with download after download of examples of IPPs, PEC program, etc. I wanted the job, the minute I stepped into their facility. It was a small company, contracted out to maybe 30 families & about 15 preschools & they were doing something I had never seen before...a whole new way of teaching children who were on some varying level of the autism spectrum & it was working!!! It was freaking working!!! I was motivated the whole time I worked there. Developing programs, sitting on teams of professionals who would work together to figure out the very best way to help a student. It was all individualized & every student required specific work in a different areas. But the goal for every student was the same. To get them as ready as possible for grade 1. I was even fortunate enough to watch students graduate from our program & enter grade 1 without an aide. Success!!! I worked with some kids & some families who will remain part of my life for ever. There is just something about teaching someones child how to speak, or how to sit still, that just bonds you. The families that I worked with, amazed me. They were so dedicated. They loved their children & wanted the very, very best possible life for them. While some families hoped for 'recovery' for their child, others just hoped. I worked there until 2 weeks before Wy was born. I cried my last day. I knew that I wouldn't be back after my year materinity. That I would be staying home with the boys. I'm lucky. I'm home with my boys for now, until Wy starts grade 1, but I also know what I want to be when I grow up!!! Finally. These families I worked with, humbled me. They had to work harder then most, & I was just beginning to know how hard it was. To love your children. To feel their struggles as if they are your own. To worry. Constantly. I remember once walking into the home of a family I was working with. They had twins boys, both autistic, both fantastically awesome, & unbelievable tiring. The mom was sitting on the chair, she had just finished crying. Exhausted. Fighting for funding money to get her children into the right school for them. Rejected. I asked if there was anything she needed me to do. She looked up, smiled at me, and said "coffee. Let's go for coffee." We did. Went for coffee, chatted about normal regular stuff. When we were finished, we drove back to her house. I watched her before we walked back in. I could hear one of the twins  screaming, & the other twin crying because of the noise. I watched her put her face in her hands. Take a deep breath. Pulled her back into a ponytail, & walked into that house with a huge smile and said "it's okay boys. Momma's home." She's my friend. I mean, how could she not be!!

My lil miracle

I'm writing this because I have always wanted to journal this experience. So I am doing it here. Actually, I did write it once but I ended up burning that journal, so I am telling it again:) This honestly, truly happened to me. I kid you not. It was/is one of the most incredible, inspiring, spiritual, experience's that has ever happened to me (along with giving birth, being a mom, wife, of course). Okay, picture it...

It was early April 2006, it was rainy & cold in the city I was living in at the time. I was sitting in a coffee shop, reading the paper, waiting for my bus. I was in the big comfy chair by the fire, watching people come in & out. This older, stylish, professional lady, whose hair was completely grey, the beautiful shiny kinda grey, caught me watching watching her come in. Then, she ended up sitting in the big comfy chair across from me. We exchanged quick smiles. I went back to reading my paper. She was reading a thick, hardcover novel(Wow, I can't believe the details I can remember). We sat that way for maybe 5 minutes when she asked me if I could read a passage in her book to her out loud. I said certainly. She marked where I was to begin & end. I was nervous, but I have read out loud tons to kids, so I was also feeling kinda calm. I was about 5 words in when I was hit. I was reading about a young woman on a journey, looking to settle, and not really sure how, struggling with who she was. This effin stuff was about me.I was experiencing almost this exact turmoil that was being described. I remember feeling very overwhelmed (and I remember that feeling not leaving). I teared up as I was reading it. I looked up at her, she had her eyes closed. I stopped at her mark. I had read almost a half page. She smiled, thanked me for it reading it to her. She said she was giving a speech later that day and she needed to feel the author, in that moment, to be able to perform her speech the way she intended. I was speechless. I wanted to say something...something  meaningful. But I was speechless. She got up to leave & as she put on her jacket, she turned to me, looked me straight in the eye(she literally made my heart stand still), leaned to me and said"expect a miracle". I looked at her with my mouth open, I swear. I didn't say anything & she was gone. I was in a dreamlike state all day, thinking about what it could have meant. Who was this lady? Was this some kind of random coincidence? I told D & about it that night (he responded with a "freaky") & I called my BFF. I knew she would feel me on this one. She didn't let me down. She felt as touched by something as I did. She was quiet for a moment, and then said"omg, you're going to have a baby". I said "What?? NO. No. No.No" she said "are you late?" & I said  "only 4 days, but I've been stressed" she said "Sher, I'm a mom. The only miracle, is having a baby". I said " I was hoping I was going to win the lottery" she said "Sorry sister"(Swear. This is so so true!). I told D what she said, he responded with a "yikes". This was Friday night. Monday morning we took the test. Yup. Pregnant! 3.5months pregnant. That's right. Had my period the whole time, till the last one. Not a sign of pregnancy(at least I thought so at the time, looking back...there were a couple signs). Found out in April we were pregnant had baby by September 5th. Miracle:)

Lovely

 I'm feeling rather down in the shitter lately. I don't really know what's up. I'm usually bubbly, happy. And overly optomistic. So when this feeling of 'woe is me', washes over me, I'm not really sure what do with it. Besides put on my slippers. Because if one thing can make me feel just a little cozy on the inside, it's my slips. But even they are not living up to their magic today. Maybe they are feeling a little in the shitter themselves. I'm not usually a bitchy person, & I wont write a whole lot of bitchy posts, but I'm going to today. I'm going to bitch & bitch & bitch, about whatever bugs me. Wait for it.
I have threatened a million time to delete  my facebook account. Like seriously dudes, the whole site needs to be renamed bragbook. On a daily basis I feel this way .On a daily basis that site just proves me right again & again. But I especially hate fb this time of year. Because this time of year brings out those snooty, rubbit in my face updates of "15 more sleeps till i'm on the beach" or "heading to jamica today"or "I'm so sunburned & drunk from all my free drinks that I have sipping all day on the beach". Gag. Like, who sits down at a computer & writes a facebook update when you are in paradise. I love warm vacations in winter. I have had two my whole life & they were both fan -freaking- tastic! I dream of the day when I can have another one. D & I hope to have a honeymoon someday, & seriously I daydream about it daily. I daydream my vacation while reading about everybody's via fb. Lovely.
Next up. Barbara Walters. Okay, now everybody seems to love this lady. But really, I think she is so freakin square. It really irks me when she tries to cover something over, or tries to smooth things over with the girls on the View. Like Sherri & Elisabeth will not be agreeing with something, or whatever the case may be, & Walters interrupts saying something like "we all really love each other, we really really do". Like, HA! Please, give me a break Barbara. I tune into to this show everyday(blushing. I so do!) to watch 4 women with 4 views talk about topics that I like. I like to watch them defend themselves & argue their point. And WHOOPI is one of the girls! She is some sorta cool, I tell ya. I love her!!
This isn't so much of a bitch thing, but this really odd mommy incident happened to me the other day. I was at the school picking up one of the boys that I babysit. It was me, my 2 littles, & another 6 year old. It was cold. And I had to parked far away, so I was hurrying the boys along. I knew they were all dressed warmly but I wasn't paying that much attention I guess, because this other mom stopped the kid that I look after & fixed his toque & scarf & didn't even acknowledge me. I was so weirded out! Like what the hell?!His hat was a lil crooked & his scarf was only loosely wrapped around his neck, but to stop us? And then not even look at me, I don't know freaked me out. I'm guessing I broke some kinda mommy law or something. Of course, a law written by her alone.  I was looking forward to seeing her today at the school , but she wasn't there. So I guess I'll have to wait to tomorrow. I'm going to make a point to catch her eye & just smile, baby. Peace out!

Purple Cake

It was my birthday yesterday! My boys made me a purple cake!!! It was delicious. Perfect!!

 It's funny to me that I have no interest in  celebrating my birthday, anymore. I remember all to clearly, the days of planning out my  big day well into the next day. I have memory after memory of drinking with the girls & dancing. I always tried to dance on my birthday. A little present to me from me. I did yesterday too. A huge dance party, right here in the living room. With my boys. Rocking out to Will Smith. Men in Black. Z loves that video right now. And I love the man singing it, so it's a win win! I said it before, and I will say it again & again, getting older is so not what thought. I'm not really sure exactly what I thought getting older would be like. But I definitely believed that when you hit a certain age, you just got smarter. When you're mature. When you're  a wife. When you're a mom. Then you get all the answers to life, see?! Mmm, right! But one thing I have been able to finally grasp in my 30's is those answers that I have always beensearching for, do come to you. But only as you learn the lesson. All of my lifes valuable lesson's that I have learned, I've learned them only after I lived thru them, ya know. It's funny. I also thought, that as soon as you had your first baby, you got older & you looked older. So, when I first had Z & I still remained pretty hip(or at least I think so!Lol), I thought I escaped it. That somehow my 30's would be in numbers only. Not the case. My 30's are becoming more important to me all the time. I don't wish them away. Because in my 30's, with being a momma, I have got to relive being a child. And I swear, believing in Santa was the best, but playing Santa is way better!! Peace out

Moi

Ok, So. I've been thinking, since this blog has turned into a personal space for me. It's time you get to know me a little better. So here is a fun list of 50 things about me.

1) I was born & raised in the smallest province in Canada
2) I left when I was 20
3)Now I live in one of the biggest City's in Canada.
4)I'm not a big fan of the city
5)I'm momma to two boys. Z who is 4 & Wy who is so close to turning 2:(
6)I have been married for almost 3 years
7)My husband, D, & I use to work together
8)we fell in love while on a workplace curling team
9) I was not good at curling
10)he was one of the best curlers in the league
11) I was raised on a farm
12)so not a farm girl
13)I do not have my appendix
14)or my gallbladder
15)or my tonsils
16)I had c-sections with both boys
17)I have no talents
18)I am up to trying everything at least once
19)My imagination runs rampant. Still.
20)I have a dance party at least once a day
21)I do 10 minutes of Pilates everyday
22)I can knit scarves
23)I always dated younger guys
24) My husband is 2 years older them me
25) I own every book in the Sweet Valley twins series
26)and the babysitters club
27)I think Eminem is one the most talent people ever
28)I have watched the young & the restless for almost 20years
29)I lived in the coldest city in Canada
30)it was so cold, I use to cry waiting for the bus
31)I meet princess Diana when I was in grade 1
32)I meet Alanis Morissette when I was 21
33)I was a gold cup & Saucer girl(don't ask)
34)I have a younger brother
35)we get along, but are complete opposites
36)I have 2 beautiful perfect nieces
37)I'm addicted to pepsi
38)I can tell the difference between pepsi & coke blindfolded anytime, anywhere
39)I have been challenged many times
40)I have been bang on everytime
41)I once cut my hair crazy short & dyed it platinum
42)a coworker said I looked like Roxette
43)I live across the country from my bff
44)we text everyday
45)she has been my bff since grade 1
46)I once worked at a go-cart track
47)a gave away 1000 of free rides to my friends!
48)I love the ocean
49)I have been to Mexico twice
and.........
50)I have a piece of toast with cheese whiz, everyday!!!!!!

My love story

On our very first date. D told me that he was for sure never getting married, & never having kids. I could ask any one of his friends, & they would tell me this. He assured me. I think I just smiled. But I can't believe I keep sitting there. Well, yes I can. I was already crazy about him. We had worked together for 2 years, each of us dating other people the whole time. Worked to together but didn't hang out, or anything. Then we ended up on a work place curling team. I never curled. He was pretty good. He was the skip. We hung out. We curled. Drank beers. Fell in love. I knew that he was going to be my husband from that very first date on. I guess that's why I kept sitting there. I can't really explain it, it was just a deep gut feeling. Intuition, maybe. It doesn't matter, I just new. The beginning of our relationship was weird. I was the happiest I had ever been every single time I hung out with him. I loved every moment of it. But on the other hand I was dealing with a very messy(thanks to me)breakup.That turmoil lasted for the first 2 & half months of our relationship. Then things were really good. Peaceful. We worked. We hung out. We banged. We laughed.  Those few months were awesome. Then wha bam, I got preggers. It was a shock! A crazy, crazy shock. I remember those moments as if they were yesterday. The test. Sitting together waiting. The positive sign. The speechlessness. The crying. We both went to work. I felt like I was a different person. I had life inside of me. What the hell. That whole day was very dreamlike. I wasn't panicked or fearful or anything. Just very very numb. Unsure of what I should do. Can I still eat the Mcdick's I was planning to, or a bran muffin & fruit or something... My world had just changed in front of my eyes. I guess maybe, I was a little in shock. D & I didn't say much about it those first few days. We snuggled together alot . He drank. A 40 of Rye in 3 days. The next day. When the Rye was all gone. He sat on the bed with me & said "I'm in if u are." I looked back, smiled & told him "definitely in." That was that. We were going to be parents. Together. A family. We moved. We had our baby & we fell more in love with each other. Married each other. We still love each other. I can still feel the flame burning!
Although at lest once a day I wish I had a cold bucket of water to throw on it. Like seriously, how can we speak the same language & he only get 50% of what I am saying? I swear he heard a 100% of it when we were dating!!!!!

Thoughts

I'm not sure about you guys, but for me, getting older IS SO NOT what I thought. I think I said before, I am a product of some crazy ass sheltering parents, & somehow my how idea of reality got  warped. Big time. I didn't even know it until the I turned 20. Crazy. But whatever. I really, really thought that life would get easier. I mean, in a way, in a small way it does, but again, just not what I thought. Here is what I thought from highschool on(in the brackets is what really happened)...graduate(barely but did)secondary education(barely but did)stay in small province in our little town forever (flew out of small town airport Nov 98 to stay in a big city with my aunt & uncle for a few weeks. Never lived back home)tons of friends(more like friends in & out of my life. A revolving door. Many didn't stay long) live a meaningful life.... Be the person my catholic, irish parents raised me to be(I had no clue who I really was. A person stuck in the middle of who they want to be, & who they really are & who they were raised to be. Not catholic. As soon as I moved out of my parents home @ 17, I never went back to the church. Except for a short stint at a really desperate time. I was hollow. I chose all sorts of bad things to fill the hole. Meaningless sex. Drinking. Partying. Lying. Whatever. I know I will get into that stuff later. For sure though, not living a meaningful life). Meet a wonderful guy. In small town where I grew up. Date for 2 years. Get engaged. Buy a house. Big huge wedding. Wait for a couple years. Have two kids. One boy. One girl (Met my husband while I was in a long term realtionship with someone else. Broke off with the other guy-a very traumatic experience for me-dated D for about 7 month when I got knocked up with Z, moved to two provinces to a big huge city, rented a crappy townhouse for 4 years. . Zman arrived September 06. Got engaged Christmas 07. Got married June 08 in a small lodge in the mountains with just our immediate families, 10 guests. Got pregnant wedding night. Wy man arrived Feb09. Just moved into our house in August 10). Once, I am happily married. I will forever be happily married sipping drinks together, in our pajama's watching tv, rolling in all our money (oh gawd. Marriage...i don't even know what to say. I am happily married  & I looooooooove my hubby, but marriage is much more like doing business then I could ever ever have imagined. It's like, at the alter, they should have little disclaimer saying that u are not only committing your life to someone, you are also committing yourself to work. That, and they should say that marriage comes with a twisted, 2 sided coin. One side saying love. The other saying hate. They should let you know that coin will flip & flip thru out your marriage. They really should let you know. What a blindside.lol! Thankfully, for me, both me & hubby are committed to working. And growing together. That is so important).

The story continues of course. Now, I am mommy. I have 2 littles. Everyday they teach me things. So many great things. That I forget, that I'm teaching them to. I'm more aware now. But let me tell you, I still have the what I thought would happen(and what is really happening)going on. I'm guessing, I probably always will. Peace out peeps:)

Typical

Mommy to 2 boys. 

That's me. Personally, I love not having the typical million dollar family. 1 boy. 1 girl. No, that's not what was in the cards for me. I think anything that has the word million in it, isn't for me. Lol. And well let's just say anything with the word typical in it, doesn't really fit  me. I'm not typical. My kids aren't typical. My marriage isn't typical. Nope, there isn't a whole lot typical about me. Except when it comes to being mommy. Then I get really typical. Typical mommy worries. Typical mommy coffee drinker. Typical broke mommy. Yes, I can get way to typical in that catagory. 

But just because I'm not typical doesn't mean that I'm not cool! Remember in highschoool when all the "different" type of kids were totally NOT cool. That's right, at least in my highschool, if you didn't wear french bagging jeans, claim that you were going to keep your legs tightly closed until marriage, and sit with the kids who sat in the cool landing above the stairs, well then, people will be nice to you. But you are not cool. Sorry, dude. I once tried to sit there. At the cool landing. As soon as I sat down this guy turn to me & said sorry dude, that's seat taken. Now, if I was really cool I would have caught up & gave him the finger or flashed my tits & said now who is calling who a dude. But no. I hung my head. Probably went in the bathroom & cried. Who knows. But alot of those kids who were different in highschool, have turned out to be pretty damn cool. Once you got to know them outside those ugly brick classroom walls. And the cool kids. Well, they are probably living there typical little lives, with their perfect typical little children, in their perfectly typical little house, with their beautiful typical husband/wife, & they are all probably miserable. Typically. 

Little black clouds

I use to be a very jealous person. I think that goes with judging yourself as harshly as I did. I constantly compared myself to everybody. Girls, mostly. I took pieces of girls that I admired, for one reason or another. I adapted their walk. Or they way they danced. A story that had a big positive reaction, I stole & used as my own (man, I tell ya, this blog is becoming my own private confessional). I did everything I could to create someone new, because I didn't feel like I was good enough. Boo. Boo, to that. I was so wrong. I'm not so bad. I'm actually, a little tiny bit, cool. I'm different, but different is cool, baby!! Now, now that I am comfortable in my own skin. Now, that my confidence is little bit UP, I do think that I'm kinda cool. I do.
I have regrets. I'm jealous of people who don't. People who have understood this whole time that doing something wrong, or having regrets are part of our journey. My regrets use to make me feel extremely uneasy. Pukey, even. Like, they are little black clouds in my past. Little black cartoon bubble clouds that would say"this is where I let my good friend slip away. because I couldn't face her". "or this is where I made yet another bad decision". Regrets. I have them. Tons of them. But, it's okay now. Really, I get it. It took me longer then most, I would guess. But my regrets are okay with me now. At least a little bit. My regrets do revolve mostly around friends. I let alot of really awesome, cool people slip away from me. I mean we are facebook buddies now, sure, but that's hardly the same. Yes, I definitely miss some people. I think of them lots. People who are no longer in my life. I wonder if we could be friends again. I'm different now, I would scream. Look at me. I'm a mom. I have two beautiful children. I have changed. I'm not sure if it would matter. Maybe, maybe not. So, I have to find peace with it. And I do. Mostly....I have had this thought. I'm going to write letters. Write letters to people I have regrets with. I'm going to post them here. Of course, I'm never going to tell them they are here. But I am going to write them, and hope for peace at the end. Awwwww, sweet, sweet peace!!

Some sort of normal

In my case, anxiety affected many areas of my life over the years. It crept in everywhere. I remember at one point, it being so intense, that I wasn't able to enjoy life at all. I constantly felt...fearful. I constantly had a ball in the pit of my stomach. Just thinking of it now, makes feel a little shaky. I still get that ball sometimes, but it is no longer constant. Thank Fuck, for that! Lol. But seriously, I feel for anyone who has felt this kind of anxiety in their life. It can be a very dark, lonely place, at times. I know. I have been there. For a long, long time I thought I was alone. I even remember, in my teenage years, wishing I was an alcoholic or a shoplifter, or something that made some sort of sense. Even if it was criminal. At least, I might have been able to grasp that a little bit better. At least I knew there were other people out there "like that". Now, I'm ashamed to admit this, but it goes to show how low someone can feel when they are suffering from anxiety. In my darkest times as a teenager, I wished for cancer. I did. I wished for it. I wanted the sympathy, the understanding, the attention from people. From my parents. If I had cancer then it would trump the anxiety. Wow. That's a pretty intense thought for a 14 yearold. Sometimes, I wish I could bump into the little me. I would look her straight in the eye & say "listen to me girl. You have anxiety. You suffer from it. You are not alone. You will learn. You will overcome. Be strong. It's a hell of a journey. But fight it. Your life is totally gonna be worth it." Then I would give her the worlds biggest hug, the big, snuggly hugs that I give my kids now, & whisper in her ear that she beautiful. And normal. I would  add that knowing how many times she wondered if she were that....some sort of normal.
My therapist, who I love, told me that people with anxiety often don't finish projects. Don't keep plans. Are very bad with commitments. Have a hard time keeping friends.  My jaw dropped, I'm sure. That was all me. But I had thought, I had believed that it was my personality. That I just wasn't a very good friend, period. At that moment I realized how much anxiety had crept into my life, because I couldn't tell the difference between me or the anxiety. I was overcome with sadness at first. That I didn't know my true authentic self. I was so sad. But then I felt hope. I was learning skills to help me see the difference between how I really felt about something & how the anxiety felt about something. I had to learned to put the anxiety in the corner for a moment & ask myself "ok Sherri, is this how you really feel, or is the anxiety". So many times, so many times it was the anxiety. Kinda shocking to realize that. But so empowering. To realize that I have been there the whole time. The real authentic me. I love it. I love to getting to know her. That's where I leave it for now. My 4 yearold wants to play Handy Manny games, & I already said "5 more minutes". Twice. Funny how this blog has become about my anxiety. I had no idea what I write about it. I have kept anxiety in for so long, that it's damn time it came out! Peace out

A journey

It's been 6 months since I found out I have anxiety disorder. I mean, I knew for a long long time that I had an anxiety problem, but I never really thought it was a disorder. It's been a strange six months. I feel like I have been thru the ringer a little. But i also feel more free then I ever have in my life.  But the feeling that is the most overwhelming is relief. Holy, there were points in my life when I thought I had something much worse wrong with me. Also, the diagnose gave me the answer to my question that I had asked myself, um maybe 100 million times in my life....what's is wrong with me? what the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously, a 100 million times that went thru my head. In May I got my answer. Anxiety.. The tricky thing with anxiety is that it comes out a thousand different ways. It is literally different for everybody. So this blog. This blog is the story of my anxiety. What it has done to me over the years. How it has played into hundreds of bad decisions. Anxiety had power in my life for a long long time. It's still there. But a little less powerless. That's improvement, baby. You are talking to a girl who never ever thought things could be different. That I could be different. For me, anxiety really leaked into my self-esteem. Looking back I can't believe how little confidence I had in myself. It's make me sad. But it also makes me mad. I missed out on alot of pretty amazing opportunities because I didn't believe in myself. Because I couldn't control my freaking anxiety. Because I let the stupid self talk in my head, tell me I couldn't do something. I backed out of everything. I made plans that I never kept. I committed myself to people, events, only to pull out last second. I have literally used every excuse in the book to get out of something that I had wanted to do. That I was excited about. I would wake up in the morning, go thru my whole morning routine, get completely ready for work only to find myself on the phone, telling someone that I was sick. I wont be in today. Hundreds of times. It's embarrassing. Shameful. But it was who I was. WAS. I'm trying. I really am. I have gotten alot better with my self talk & that in its self, has helped huge. I'm motivated. More motivated than I have ever been. I want to know myself. The real me. Not the anxiety ridden person. But me. The girl who loves daises, music, her children.I'm on a journey. A journey to a place where I blame myself for nothing but forgive for everything. Yup, that is where I want to be. I bet there, I will find peace. Finally.

Open, honest & true

I just watched the Portia De Rossi interview on Oprah. Wow. The power of women amaze me. I think she was amazingly brave to go in front of cameras & share that not so beautiful story. That's tough. She is a strong woman. And super hot. I had no idea!! Getting older is definitely bittersweet. But part of the sweetness, for me, has been the appreciation of woman. Because of all my mommy issues, I don't think I really started to appreciate women until I became one. The power of women, of being a woman, is just amazingly awesome. I feel pride when I see a woman who stands up for her self. I seriously have shouted out at times "u go girl"!!There is nothing, nothing, that makes me more interested in someone then a confident person. Not cocky. Just in tune with who they are. They can stand up & shout if they want or need. They are open, honest & true. All the things that I struggle with. Portia, she struggled with who she was, she just wanted to fit in. Her solution became dieting, eventually an eating disorder. I wanted the exact same things as she did. I fought who I was. For her she was fighting being a lesbian, for me I was/am fighting being my parents daughter. Perfection. I didn't become anorexic. Nope. I went a whole different route. Into the crazy world of anxiety. I was always desperate to hide it. I mean, confident people didn't have anxiety, & if they did they were smart enough to use the energy of anxiety to push them, to motivate them. For me, that energy pushed me down, dude. Way, way down. I like to blame alot of people for my anxiety issues, my mother, my peers, my small town, wanting so freakin desperately to fit in. It confused me to who I was. So I led a very confusing kinda lifestyle. Very erratic. All through highschool I woke every morning to my mother vacuming, yelling, that I was already late for school. It was 7 in the morning. She pushed me so much in that hour & half before school that by the time I got to school i was so stressed out. So sad. So confused. That I learned how to pretend. I didn't want anyone to know, that my mom didn't really like. That she cleaned constantly. That I felt worthless. Nope. Didn't anyone to know that. So, I did what I did. I never led an authentic life until my 30's. Until I realized that  I wanted to be happier. That even though I come with issues. Baggage even. I'm worth it. I still have baggage, man, tons of it. But at least I'm aware now. I'm aware of alot of things these days. I'm aware that I have come further, then I thought I could, or would. I'm aware that in the past 2 weeks I had 2 very dear friends tell me that they appreciate me. I'm aware that my husband loves me. He knows all of my dirt, ALL OF MY DIRT & the man is still here. I'm aware that I don't wake in the morning with the feeling of dread in my stomach. I'm aware that 6 boxes of kleenex now lasts twice as long in my house(ever feel like you literally cried your eyes out. Years & years of crying). I'm just plain fucking aware. I wasn't before. I am now. Every woman is uniquely different, yet uniquely the same on some level. On that level, I believe, there is power. Woman Power, baby!!!

Mommy issues

I keep saying how I want people to find this blog & feel a connect.Then I realized that maybe I should start talkin. Start giving people something to connect with. There are a good many things, both good & bad, that I could write about & want to write about someday, eventually. It is harder then I expected. This whole blogging thing. Even though no one is reading it(a shout out to my new, first follower!!! Thx), I still find myself holding back. It is scary to put stuff about yourself out there. Especially if you are someone like me, who has been overly careful for years, & years & years to not hang my dirty laundry out for people to view. I mean, who likes to see  period panties(LOL) blowing in the wind, anyways? So, I kept my all my personal junk inside. For years, seriously. I'm ready now. To let some of it out. It's just damn scary. Plus, I have no idea where exactly to begin....
So, I guess I'll dip my toe into my childhood. Yeeks. Okay, so I love my MOM & I love my DAD. But I have alot of unresolved issues with both my parents. Alot, alot. I guess the hardest part to talk about is my mom. It gets very confusing to me. Her & mine relationship. Growing up in her house, for me, was pretty much unbearable. And I kinda think it damaged me, as a person. She had OCD & some major control issues. Instead of being a mom to me  I was just one more thing that she had to obssess about & control. It was/is very hard. I could go on & on with examples of what are relationship was like, but I don't know if I should. It wasn't pretty, that's for sure.  I was not a daughter or a friend to her. She couldn't connect with that me. I am sure there are/were moments when she thought It was just her luck, to have a rebel daughter like me. One who didn't want to be controlled. I fought her at every single corner. And I'm 100% Irish, so I can fight!! ha! It was bad  at times. Real bad.  I moved out when I was 17. This is where my parents failed me the most. When I was 17, just graduated from Highschool, they made it clear that it was time for me to be on my own. To move out of their home. Maybe then, Life will be easier for your mother. Even now, just typing it, I  feel a lil rage. I guess I will have to give some examples. Because of my mom's control issues, I did not learn the things that you need to learn to make it on your own. Deep Breath. When I moved of my parents home I did not know how to: cook, never cooked ever. Never made my bed. Never spent the night alone by myself. Had no idea how to do laundry, i could go on & on. my roommate (who I am still friends with. She bailed out on me after 3 months. Thankfully, we have big laughs about it now). Not only that, they raised me very sheltered. Very catholic sheltered. Of course, I didn't realize that then. But I sure realized, very quickly, when I was out there on my own. I failed. Miserably. I never went back home. I could never move back. I lived away for 8 years & my mom only visited me once. But get this. I called them every single night. I tell them I love them & I mean it. They are my mom & dad & they made alot of mistakes where I am concerned. But, you know, what can you do? I will only ever have one mom & one dad. I'm strong. And I can handle their issues better now. But you have no idea how much I would love to have a first real mother/daughter memory. Because I have none. Her illness wouldn't let her. We never let loose together. Never really spent time laughing together. Such a stressful realtionship we have had. I wish I could end this post by saying something positive....like, I 'll work on making that memory today....or, I know that can & will be different. But I can not say those things. Because they are not true. And there ya go.

Roaming

Sometimes, when the kids let me, I just sit on the computer & roam around. As if i'm in a mall weaving in & out of stores. Not really looking FOR anything, but looking AT everything. Roaming. It's what I seem to do when I'm in this kind of mood. On a grey kinda Sunday. The baby is sleeping. Hubby & Z are together at work. Time by myself. Thinking. Of all the things I thought I knew, but don't. Such a harsh reality getting older. Realizing u don't know a damn thing. Wild. I was a very, very naive child. My parents kinda did me wrong & completely sheltered me. I grew up believing that adults knew everything, & when I too became an adult I would know everything. What a laugh.
I crave to be different. I so don't want to be a cookie cutter person. I am trying to cut all cookie cutter people out of my life. Excepts for the ones I love, of course. To me a cookie cutter person is someone who wants to be like everyone else. Popular. Safe choices. Damn near kill themselves trying to fit in. To make it look all shiny, calm & smooth on the outside. When the insides are normally a mess. Well, I'm not shiny on the outside. And I sure am a mess on the inside. I tried for years to hide the true me. To be a cookie cutter. To live up to society's standards. It's been freeing, letting that go. But lonely at times. As it often can be for us differents. I would be lying if I said there wasn't times when I wished. Wished that life was easier for me. But what do I know. Like really, what do I know.
I'm so opened minded at times, I'm afraid it has becoming some kind of  fault. I forget that most people at my age have their minds made up about things. They lived. Experienced. Weighed their options. Have decided what they have decided. For me, being open-minded & non-judging go hand in hand . I could never judge anyone. I just can't. Maybe that's because I am person who has been judged, & judged & judged. What can I say. I'm a free spirit. In a society that sees people as black or white, right or wrong. I'm grey. All grey, baby. It's both a blessing & curse. I've kinda accepted it. Owning it even. But man, it has come with it's challenges. My family. Very conservative. Small town. Closed minded. My in-laws. Small town. Extremely small town. Closed minded. Well, maybe not so much closed minded, but they really aren't into the whole free spirit thing.   But I have held back for so damn long. I just want to let it out. To fly. Or something.Lol. Scream something like FREE SPIRITS UNITE.
The most amazing thing about being your true self. Owning it. You realize their are more of you out there. Let me tell ya, that has been the best BEST thing for me. Knowing that their are other wild, crazy, fierce, strong, free spirited woman out there. Who like to shake it up. They come rough around the edges. But inside they are A-MAZ-ING. I spent so much of my teen years, my 20's, feeling alone. I could not figure out where I belonged. Struggling with who I thought I should be, & who I was. All this time, I belonged to this group. This awesome group of free spirited people, who see the world just a little differently. Just like me.

I heart Kelle Hampton

I think I touched on it in my first ever blog. That there was a woman that inspired me in this crazy blog world. Oh my, it is 100% Kelle Hampton! Never, have I felt so connected with someone in this virtual world as I do with her, her blog & her family. Seriously. It borders on ridiculous, & my husband can not "get it" at all. But I get it. And so does she!! It's funny. If her & I were somehow in the same community, I am sure we would be friends. So it only makes sense that we are friends in this kind of community, right?! When I first stumbled on her blog, it was a week before her second baby was to be born. I was just getting my toes wet with the blog world, & there she was. Totally, loved her! I can't really explain it, but if I had the creativity, the strength that she has, I would have wrote some of the exact same words as her. I totally understood what she talking about, what she was feeling. Cuz, I was right there too. Once Nella was born her blog kinda took off, & I went right along with it. Happy every time there was a new post from her. At times, I felt that she was writing it to me. Right down to her music choice on her play list. Connected. I read her blog for months, never leaving a comment. Just happy to hear from her & catch a glimpse of her beautiful fam. A couple of months ago, I woke up one morning & decided that today was the day. I would  type out the letter that I had been writing her for months in my head. I did it. She responded back with in 15 minutes. She got it. Sigh. I was so pumped. Even my hubby was stoked for me. So here I am now. Writing my own blog. My own Venting cornor in this virtual world. Cool. Cool.

In the moment

So, I'm not really sure yet what I am doing with this whole blog thing. I defiantly feel the urge to connect with people. People who just get it, you know. I want to spend the next however many years left of my life honestly, & truly to be surrounded by people I love & people who just freaking get me!! I have not linked this blog to my  fb page, nor have a told a single sole (other then my hubby, but we kinda share souls:). Yet, I check every hour, to see if there any comments. My wish of people stumbling upon me, here in this lil corner in the web world, & feeling a connect. I have felt this connect with only one person in the blog world. And she is a very big reason why I have finally started to hit the keyboard. I must admit, I have definitely fallen in love with the tip-tap of every key. Writing my story. Love it.
I'm never sure what I am going to write about when I first sit down to at my computer. I still feel nervous about the whole thing. As much as I feel disappointed when I have had no blog hits, I also feel relief! I'm so freakin scared of putting everything out there. What if the wrong person read it and....and....I'm not sure what...but's scary, trust me! Wait, I do know what!!! What if they judge me? If there is one I hate, it's judgment. I have been judge by people much my whole life. Some positive judgments but mostly bad judgment. The painful ones. So hell ya, I am scared of telling my story. One that I have kept in, lied about, denied, pretty much my whole entire life. Now, I have this crazy idea that if I tell it ,maybe some teenage chick out there is reading it, & realizes that her & I have some similarities. And she keeps reading. And maybe it helps her feel less alone. Then it will be really worth it. I mean all my mistakes, all my hurt, it will worth it to me if it could help someone feel less alone. I have felt alone for a long long time. I'm talking about the kind of alone that lives inside of you. You can be surrounded by people, even people who love you to your core, & still feel sad & alone. It's whacked. I have been there. And some days I still find myself there. But I got myself some new skills, so those days of feeling alone are less & less. But still there.
Okay, so I thought that I would probably be blogging  for about a year before I would open up about this, but for some reason, right now, in this moment, feels like the right time. Deep breath. I have generalized anxiety disorder, from now on called simply anxiety. It has been very freeing for me to now have a name attached to the feeling. I have always had anxiety, & clearly remember my first anxiety attack while I was in grade 4. Anxiety has ruled & ruined parts of my life. Parts that I will never ever get back. And I have alot of work to do on letting all of that go. But, for so long I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I literally felt that way since I was 9. As a 9 year old, I had had my first anxiety/panic attack & clearly believed that i was possessed or an alien or  something. My family was a very straight, irish catholic family. They wanted nothing out of the oridinary in their family. So I never told them anything. I never told that my teacher made fun of me in front of the whole class. That I waited 5 minutes, put up my hand & asked to go to the bathroom. I ran into the stall, collapsed to the floor cried & tried to catch my breathe. The whole time I wanted someone to come into the bathroom so bad, to come check on me, but at the same time i wished with all my might that no one would walk thru that door. They didn't. I finally caught my breath, stood up, washed my face & walked back into the classroom as if nothing happened. And so it began. Years & years of private anxiety. Of course something of that nature can not stay quiet forever. I was recently "outed" (of my anxiety disorder)this May to my in laws. A horrifying experience. It was my biggest fear of all time. The best part of it all being out there. It's not my biggest fear anymore! So, there ya go :)!!

Rocked it

I went dancing last night. At this crazy, young, dirty dance bar. Every city or town has one. Where everyone says they don't want to go, but secretly do, & always end up there. Yup. That's where we went last night. I was worried that I was going to feel all old & stuff, knowing that it is such a young crowd, but i totally didn't!!! I didn't feel 19, but I didn't feel old. Yay for that!! I think I rocked it. I had fun. I looked good. Felt good. I even brought out the dancing on top of tables Sherri, & she is one of my favorite Sherri's!! Lol. In a way it was strange. Kinda like stepping into a time machine. I felt like I was in the same room with my 19 year old self. It was almost like I was looking for her. I could feel the energy. The drunkenness. I remember when it was me & my gang & seeing the cougars come in & dance their lil hearts out. Honestly, I always liked watching the oldies dance(yes when I was 19 I thought 30 was old. boo me!), they had a certain sense of freedom to them. I couldn't even come to close to understanding that then. But now I get it. I mean hell, I was them last night. I felt free. I wasn't looking for anything except some dance space. At one point I was dancing on the ledge around the dance floor. I had a bird's eye view of the dance floor. All i could see was chaos. It was insane. All this drunk, loud, going crazy young people, just freaking giving it. There were people passed out in one corner, a fight happening in another. Tons of gropping, kissing, grinding, drinks being dropped. Complete chaos. All I could think of was Nope, I do not miss you at all!  It felt liberating, to feel like I was in a completely different spot then i was 10 years ago. I like where I am. Knowing that my husband & kidlets were home in bed. That I would wake up in the morning, drink coffee, play with the kids & beg & plead my husband to give me just a lil nap. A really, really quick one. Please, please.

Ice Breaker

Wow! Am I really doing this?? Finally. I have thought, & thought & thought about it. So it here goes. I really have no idea what i am doing. But I have always had this feeling, this strong feeling, of wanting to connect. I thought, maybe I could make a difference or something. I'm not sure. I just know that as much as I am unique I am similar.
 I use to work at a camp. I loved it! It was awesome. One of the ice breaker games we played with the kids was what is your age, your favorite color, something u love, & if u could have any super power what would it be. So, let's get to know each other. I dare you to do the same!! Lol
So, I am 32 years old. Early thirties. I have actually enjoyed my 30's so far. I mean, compared to my 20's.  I was a mess pretty much my whole 20's. No clue. Just kinda wandering in my life. Getting in trouble here or there. I definitely chose fear in my 20's. Definitely. I hate that. I don't know why I would have made that choice. Well, I guess I kinda do now. But still. I hate hate that I chose it.
My favorite color has been & always will be purple. Love it, love it! Purple makes me happy. I love wearing it. I love being surrounded in it. If I had my way I would have my whole house in purple. Just my luck that I live with a bunch of men.....that brings me to what I love. Funny. Thinking back, I remember what I use to answer to this question when I was simply just a camp counselor. Music. Then music was for sure my #1 love. I kinda couldn't live without. It had brought me back to life time & time again. I always answered music. Now my answer.... My family. My boys. All 3 of them. My oldest Z is 4 & W is almost, getting way to close, to 2, & D, my hubby. They are now, FOR SURE FOR SURE my #1 loves. Sigh. Talk about being brought back to life.
I have always wished for the same super power. Now my super power as a mommy would be the super power to always protect your children. To let them live free, happy & healthy, just safely in this bubble of protection in which they would live forever, safely. Nothing more then normal cuts & bruises. Yes. I would definitely wish for that super power. But I also remember the super power I yearned for when I was 20's. To go back. Change my mistakes. To whisper in my ear that everything was going to be fine. To just breathe. To whisper that I wasn't alone. And that someday, in a small way, everything would come together & make sense. A lil sense, anyways.
This is what this blog is to me. A way of reaching out. To maybe be a whisper in someone's ear. To let them know that I also struggled, & am still struggling with who I am. Who I want to be. I'm not a cookie cutter girl. Nothing really ever came easy to me. I'm not sure if it is that way for everybody. All I know is that it was never that way for me. I have worked, & worked & made mistake after mistake. To end here. In a place surrounded by other woman, who maybe haven't needed to work as hard. Who haven't made as many mistakes as I have. And yet here we are. In the same place. Mothers to young children. Wives to husbands we love, although not the love we dreamed about lying on our little girl beds talking to our girlfriends. Playing that game, what was it called....u gave 4 choices for husbands, for choices for what kind of house, etc. No, it defiantly not the same.  We are all here just trying to figure it out. This time, I don't want to be locked inside myself. This time I want a voice. I want My Voice. So, hello!!! I think this is going to be fun :)!!!!