Ramblings

Okay seriously. These boys of mine got way too much "stuff" at Christmas. So why then, are they constantly, & I mean constantly, bugging at me? I just don't get it. It got so intense this morning with mommy I wants, that I finally screamed "HOLY CROWFEET PEOPLE, I'M ABOUT TO FREAKIN LOSE IT". It didn't help at all. All it did was cause Z to run around the house screaming "freakin lose it. Freakin lose it." Lovely.

I'm made this Cranberry Salsa & I can't stop eating it. It's kinda reaching the disgusting point seeing as I'm eating straight out of the bowl now. No chips or nothing. It's just so damn good & pretty. I could never turn anything pretty down. Cranberries in general I have been inhaling, lately. Can't get enough of them. They are so delish in baking, & my pee has never been such a bright yellow!!  Tmi tmi, I know:)

Lemon cranberry loaf

I have this amazing girlfirend who is children's performer. She works for a Treehouse now company & every time she comes to our city she invites my family to go see the show. The boys get to go back stage & meet the characters & everything. They have already meet Max & Ruby, Franklin & his gang, & next week we will get to meet Toopy & Binoo(which both boys can hardly wait for). We then have her over for wine & supper (by far my favorite part). She comes about 4 times a year & she is coming next week & I can not wait to see her!! I so so miss my girlfriends!!

I'm really hating the cold this year. Seriously, why do I live here?! Well, I know why I live here; cuz of hubby's job, but seriously I want to become a 'snowbird', so badly. Live here during the summer months & winter somewhere hot. Sigh, a dream indeed. Speaking of hot places...

I am going to bitch, again, about reading everyone's status updates on fb about going somewhere hot this winter. And, it's not only on fb. My mom is going to the Dominican. I have one sister n law going to Mexico, my other sister n law going to Jamaica(damn her!), several of my cousins & girlfriends are hitting the beach & me at home, freakin freezing my ass off. Pity party, please!! Honestly though, I am happy for them I just wish I was going too, ya know...

New Name

1st time cooking with fresh cranberries, yum!

Okay, so I decided to change my blog name to Mommy's Lil Corner. This blog has become my voice, & this is where I speak, I guess. I was shocked at how large the blog world was, so many people had already found their voice. I was very intimidated & not sure how I would be heard. But here I am, in my lil corner, saying what I feel. I am dedicating alot more time to my blog in the new year & I really want to feel completely comfortable here. So a name change it is! We got a surprise present this year from my parents- a new camera!!!!! I was so pumped! Expect alot more pictures, people!! Okay, getting ready to hit the mall!

Awesomeness

Christmas. Come & Gone. I loved every moment. I just tried to breathe it all in, ya know. My boys. They amaze the hell out of me. So sensitive & caring. Understood the giving & receiving will beyond their little years. I just love their energy. I feel like I finally "did something" by creating them & putting them out in the world. They are beautiful people, those boys, & I am just so thankful to be a part of their lives. I just love them. This deep crazy kinda love that makes me wanna...get up & just hug & hug & hug them.  You know what I'm talking about, right?! It's a very intense love. A Mother's  love. We love these littles from the moment we find out that we have another heart beating inside of us. It's true, it's intense... but sometimes, like on Christmas mornings, it is the lightest love. Watching them be excited. Be right there in the moment with them. Shit, I even felt that little kid excitement again, when I opened  all the little wrapped gifts in my stocking. Yes, Christmas was wonderful!!

  I still have hubby home for anther two days. Now that Christmas is officially ova I am hoping he will loosen up a little. I told him the other night that I thought he needed to get drunk. He told me that I was completely right. When could he go?? In the new year, I told him. Lol! I have big huge plans for myself this new year. I am not putting huge expectations on myself but I'm hella motivated. 2010 was not a great year for me, & I want alot more out of 2011. I also am going to commit myself more to this blog. I still have so much to figure out. But I really want to do this, so I am going really commit!Woot woot!! My dayhome is starting in January, & we are pretty much all ready to go. I'm excited for this adventure... honestly I'm excited for all the adventures the next year have in store for us. I love this feeling. 12 whole months completely open days, just waiting to be filled. Oh, & they will. Good things this new year, please!?! On that note, I am going to check my lotto max numbers!!! I hope anyone who is reading this, if there is anyone(lol!), I hope you had a wonderful, peaceful, happy Christmas!! Peace & love...

Refueling

I'm on a Christmas roller coaster. One minute I am happy/excited about the holiday, & literally, the next minute I just want it to be over. My hubby & I see Christmas differently & every year it presents us a problem. D sees Christmas as stressful. Over marketed. Bah humbug kinda holiday. I looooove Christmas. Especially with the boys. I remember my childhood as being....stressful. Christmas Day was one day that I actually remember enjoying. I work really hard to create the kind of Christmas that I dreamed about. Now, I said I remember Christmas Day as being enjoyable. Leading up to Christmas. Very stressful for my mother. Very stressful for all of us. So, the kind of Christmas I dreamed about was just a regular, ordinary Christmas. I bake with my boys. We all decorate the tree together. I let them attempt to wrap their own gifts. Whatever. D wants everything...smaller. Easier. Cheaper. I don't know. He's right in one aspect, but....it's Christmas. I just wish things weren't such a fight these days. Oh well. Onward & forward. Yesterday I wished I was still a university student. Looking forward to exams being over & having that month break. Man, what I would give to have a month's break. The constant "mommy" is like fingernails on the chalkboard, lately. I mean, I looooove me my babies, but momma needs a lil break. I'm not gonna get one, of course. Hopefully, I will be able to steal a few hours here & there over the holidays, but I certainly wont get a "break break". But I will get refueled. Christmas morning. Watching my boys. Feeling their happiness. Can't wait. My soul soooo needs it:)

lucky

 I am amazed at the things that come out of my hubby's mouth, sometimes! One of my personal fave's is "how can I do that when I'm watching the kids? Like, how can I do both?" Like, really? Really?  Everything I do, from the moment I get up in the morning, to the moment they go to bed, I do it with them. Everything. I answer the same everytime "u can do this, babe. If I can do it, then u sure as hell will!" Lol! I sound kinda mean, but really...  I really never knew, or even really thought about, just how different men & women are from one another. It really is mindboggling, and a bit of a miracle that we can co-habite together, if ya ask me. I don't know about y'all, but I find it pretty challenging. It has nothing to do with love. I love my man to the moon & back. It has nothing to do with that. It's just that he's a man (a man's man at that) & I'm a woman. My life, my relationships, it's all based around my emotions, baby. The good, the bad, the ugly...I cry through it all. This, drives my husband, insane. I'm pretty sure he thinks I intentionally cry, just to hit a soft spot with him. "So not true", I tell him everytime he accuses me of that. I especially love it when he demands me to stop crying. Please stop crying. You don't need to cry. DUDE,  I can't turn it turn it off like a faucet. Trust me. I wish I could. I can't. This is why I am so grateful to be a woman. Have girlfriends. Who have wiped many a tears from cheecks. That have held me & just let me cry out. They encourage me to let it out, baby. There is nothing better then a solid girlfriendship. I have 2. One here in Calgary. She is like a little sister. Our bond is super strong. She is younger then me & I see so much of myself in her. I love her to bit & pieces.
anything & she would never ever judge me. She is my soul sister. I just wish we didn't live million of miles away from each other. But really, it doesn't matter. We text all the time. I just really wish we could go for coffee together. Like a 5 hour coffee. Sigh. I miss her. So thankful for these girls, & the girls in my life who make me laugh with their ridiculous texts. Or seeing friends from long ago pictures on fb. For Laur, my cousin, who texts me out of the blue to say she is thinking of me & loves me. I mean, how lucky am I? Oh yeah, & back to my hubby. I may complain about him(alot?!) but he's awesome. He works crazy hard. Makes me laugh. Alot. Makes me the yummiest coffee. And is bitching at me right now to go take a shower, so that we wont be late for the kids Christmas party. Peace out:)

When I grow up...

When I first went to college, I was 17. I had no idea what I was doing. I had know idea what it meant to go to school to find your career. To plan for your future. I had no idea about any of that. All I knew, was that I was getting out my mother's house & at the time, that was the only thing I really cared about(that's a whole other blog post, someday!). That and my student loan money. I cared about that too.  I went into Human Services because it was what I got into. I'm not really sure if I even new at the time that it meant working with children with special needs. I took the 3 year course. Graduated when I was just about to turn 21. I tried to get a couple jobs in that area & didn't get any. I left the Island shortly after that for "out west". Ended up more Central than West & got my first job in an elementary school working with a behavioural student in grade 5. I was in so over my head.  I was 21, & responsible for a boy who would physical attack me, other students, his teacher. He would spit, runaway, start food fights & I was resposible for him. I've actually just pointed out all his issues that he needed to work on, but he was also a very sweet, smart,  kid. He would bake & bring me cookies all the time. When he was having a good day, he was fantastic. Fun, funny, charming. A good kid. He taught me alot. The whole time I lived in that city I worked in the education system. Worked with hundreds of kids. They truly taught me more then I could ever have taught them, I am sure of that. When we moved, while I was 7 months preggers with Z, I was so sad to leave my job. I wasn't sure what kind of job I would end up with after my maternity leave. I wanted to continue in the Education system, but I will admit I was bit bored & was hoping for some sort of new challenge (as if being a new momma wasn't enough!). Just before Z was to turn 1, I got an interview for a job working with children with autism in the early intervention stage(ages 2-6). The company had a very specific way of teaching, something new to me, and I was so eager to learn everything I could about ABA therapy & discreet trial teaching, I think I flooded our computer with download after download of examples of IPPs, PEC program, etc. I wanted the job, the minute I stepped into their facility. It was a small company, contracted out to maybe 30 families & about 15 preschools & they were doing something I had never seen before...a whole new way of teaching children who were on some varying level of the autism spectrum & it was working!!! It was freaking working!!! I was motivated the whole time I worked there. Developing programs, sitting on teams of professionals who would work together to figure out the very best way to help a student. It was all individualized & every student required specific work in a different areas. But the goal for every student was the same. To get them as ready as possible for grade 1. I was even fortunate enough to watch students graduate from our program & enter grade 1 without an aide. Success!!! I worked with some kids & some families who will remain part of my life for ever. There is just something about teaching someones child how to speak, or how to sit still, that just bonds you. The families that I worked with, amazed me. They were so dedicated. They loved their children & wanted the very, very best possible life for them. While some families hoped for 'recovery' for their child, others just hoped. I worked there until 2 weeks before Wy was born. I cried my last day. I knew that I wouldn't be back after my year materinity. That I would be staying home with the boys. I'm lucky. I'm home with my boys for now, until Wy starts grade 1, but I also know what I want to be when I grow up!!! Finally. These families I worked with, humbled me. They had to work harder then most, & I was just beginning to know how hard it was. To love your children. To feel their struggles as if they are your own. To worry. Constantly. I remember once walking into the home of a family I was working with. They had twins boys, both autistic, both fantastically awesome, & unbelievable tiring. The mom was sitting on the chair, she had just finished crying. Exhausted. Fighting for funding money to get her children into the right school for them. Rejected. I asked if there was anything she needed me to do. She looked up, smiled at me, and said "coffee. Let's go for coffee." We did. Went for coffee, chatted about normal regular stuff. When we were finished, we drove back to her house. I watched her before we walked back in. I could hear one of the twins  screaming, & the other twin crying because of the noise. I watched her put her face in her hands. Take a deep breath. Pulled her back into a ponytail, & walked into that house with a huge smile and said "it's okay boys. Momma's home." She's my friend. I mean, how could she not be!!

My lil miracle

I'm writing this because I have always wanted to journal this experience. So I am doing it here. Actually, I did write it once but I ended up burning that journal, so I am telling it again:) This honestly, truly happened to me. I kid you not. It was/is one of the most incredible, inspiring, spiritual, experience's that has ever happened to me (along with giving birth, being a mom, wife, of course). Okay, picture it...

It was early April 2006, it was rainy & cold in the city I was living in at the time. I was sitting in a coffee shop, reading the paper, waiting for my bus. I was in the big comfy chair by the fire, watching people come in & out. This older, stylish, professional lady, whose hair was completely grey, the beautiful shiny kinda grey, caught me watching watching her come in. Then, she ended up sitting in the big comfy chair across from me. We exchanged quick smiles. I went back to reading my paper. She was reading a thick, hardcover novel(Wow, I can't believe the details I can remember). We sat that way for maybe 5 minutes when she asked me if I could read a passage in her book to her out loud. I said certainly. She marked where I was to begin & end. I was nervous, but I have read out loud tons to kids, so I was also feeling kinda calm. I was about 5 words in when I was hit. I was reading about a young woman on a journey, looking to settle, and not really sure how, struggling with who she was. This effin stuff was about me.I was experiencing almost this exact turmoil that was being described. I remember feeling very overwhelmed (and I remember that feeling not leaving). I teared up as I was reading it. I looked up at her, she had her eyes closed. I stopped at her mark. I had read almost a half page. She smiled, thanked me for it reading it to her. She said she was giving a speech later that day and she needed to feel the author, in that moment, to be able to perform her speech the way she intended. I was speechless. I wanted to say something...something  meaningful. But I was speechless. She got up to leave & as she put on her jacket, she turned to me, looked me straight in the eye(she literally made my heart stand still), leaned to me and said"expect a miracle". I looked at her with my mouth open, I swear. I didn't say anything & she was gone. I was in a dreamlike state all day, thinking about what it could have meant. Who was this lady? Was this some kind of random coincidence? I told D & about it that night (he responded with a "freaky") & I called my BFF. I knew she would feel me on this one. She didn't let me down. She felt as touched by something as I did. She was quiet for a moment, and then said"omg, you're going to have a baby". I said "What?? NO. No. No.No" she said "are you late?" & I said  "only 4 days, but I've been stressed" she said "Sher, I'm a mom. The only miracle, is having a baby". I said " I was hoping I was going to win the lottery" she said "Sorry sister"(Swear. This is so so true!). I told D what she said, he responded with a "yikes". This was Friday night. Monday morning we took the test. Yup. Pregnant! 3.5months pregnant. That's right. Had my period the whole time, till the last one. Not a sign of pregnancy(at least I thought so at the time, looking back...there were a couple signs). Found out in April we were pregnant had baby by September 5th. Miracle:)