35 seems pretty old

Ugh. I have a birthday coming up. A mid life one...the big 3 5.....even though I still like to think I don't look a day older then 30!! I don't, right?! 

viaAnyways, I'm not really enjoying the whole build up to the birthday, thing. Remember when we were 17 & 35 seemed pretty old. I was sure, like surrrre that I would have my shiznat figured out. But I don't, like not at all, maybe...I mean, yes I have the family I always dreamed of....a house & neighborhood that I like....but, I still think about what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not enjoying the feeling of, I'm too old to do anything about it. I mean yes, I could go back to school, but there is NO CHANCE in HELL that I would want a student loan again, I mean I just finished paying off my student loan from 15 years ago....and if we payed for it, it would make our life alot more money tight then it is now & I don't really feel its fair to do that to the rest of my family.

And then there is where I live. It's a big  kind of a bone of contention in my marriage actually. I don't want to live in this city anymore. I'm not a city girl, like I thought I was. At least not this big of a city. I want to move home. Back to my little Island & raise my boys there.  I think about it all the time way too often. What it would be like to have my parents close by...to be able to get to know my gorgeous niece...to have a support network at my fingertips. To live somewhere, where traffic is laughable, I mean there is no traffic. It doesn't take 2 damn hours to do a small errand. I want to move back. But...it's not that simple. My husband has a really good job here...he can not imagine what it would be like to move that far east. He's not really willing...So, here is where we stay. Sucky.

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I don't know. The whole birthday thing has gotten me thinking about who I want to be for the next 35+ years. I mean, I know who I have been & I am working on accepting that person. And now I feel I have this opportunity as a mother, as a women, to be some one different. I have a idea now of life & I since having kids I sure don't take it for granted. I feel different then the person I was 10 years ago....so different. I mean, talk about maturing in the last ten years, I did that. Now, it's time for me to shine...I just feel it:)

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We are all excited about Halloween tomorrow!! I wish it was today though, since it is so beautiful outside, but it will fun regardless of the weather. Z is being a ninga & wy is a purple but he thinks he is barney{you know, that purlple singing dinosaur} so we are going with that!! I love my kids!!

Can you really ever come back...

too the blogging world?? Well, I am going to try friends. Wow. It's been a looooooong time. Lots has happened some good, some not so good, you know real life stuff. I can't really explain why I haven't been around or maybe i can. It started with a comment I got, about a comment I made during a commenting challenge & I felt so terrible & so completely misunderstood, that I decided to take a bloggy break....a couple weeks, I thought. I was still reading blogs like crazy though, just not writing. Then, the not so good stuff i will get into all of that, i promise in my life started to happen and everyone else seemed to be living this wonderful amazing life, & I started to feel.....jealous. So, I do what I do & I quit writing. A mistake. I should have been writing, it's probably when I needed to be most. Regret. But I can change it all up now & start writing again, about the good, the bad, the ugly, I'm going to write about it all! This is what I have decided to do with my lil corner here!! If anyone still reads, thank you from the bottom of my heart! I have missed you all, even though I know you only from the words you write, I still feel very connected to some of you & I CANNOT wait to go visit your blogs & see what you have been up too!! I maybe a little gunshy on making comments, but I want to let you know that I am back & I have missed you!! Now a few pics of my boys to catch ya up....

wy, growing growing & growing

z caught his 1st fish this summer

there they are Z & Wy