Confused yet

I'm sad & lonely tonite. It's funny considering I live in a house full of boys~ one hubby & 2 sweet sweet sons~ but they are sleeping,  plus it's not them i'm missing. I'm missing my family, like my ma, pa, bro family. Ugh. Living so far away from them was a terrible mistake. If I had the opportunity to kick my heels 3 times & go back to my little island... be 20 again...I would make a different decision. I would not have left. I mean, I had no idea at the time that I would leave & never really be able to find my way back. I was young, the free-spirit kind & I wasn't thinking what  my future would be like...I left because I wanted to leave, period. I'm completely took for granted that I could  go back any time I wanted to.  I was very young & very stupid. I always believed that the problem was something else, where I lived, who I lived with, whatever...it took me a while to figure out why the problems always seemed to follow me....I was the fucking problem. 


I was raised in an extremely sheltered environment. I have very loving parents, but man-o-man do they have their issues. My biggest problem with them now, as an adult, is that I don't feel that they raised me to survive in the world, properly...they didn't provide me with the necessary life skills, I guess. This is getting confusing...long story short, my mother has OCPD. Among many things one of the symptoms of OCPD is the need to control.  I was the first born, her baby girl, & she controlled me. Again, sounding confusing...she picked out my clothes for me every morning for school, I  had very little say. I did not ever once make my bed, do laundry, vacuum, cook or bake the 18 years I lived there {of course, these are just a few examples...her control leaked into many areas of my life}. I wasn't really allowed to spend time alone in my room {in case i made a mess, cleaning is another huge deal for mom}Then at a very young 17 I left home. I graduated high school in my small town & moved to the "big city" and it wasn't good folks. I had no damn clue what i was doing & that is very relevant in my memories of life gone by. So, I guess I blame them for that. They set me up to fail & then, because of their own issues, were not able to be there for me when I needed them. So damn them for that. 


But that is only one part of my parents. For years I dwelled on that part alone. All the ways they screwed me over. I blamed them for a long time. But in the last couple of years I feel things changing inside of me. I don't care as much anymore. Hell, I'm a parent now & I get how hard it truly is to parent. I realize that they loved me & did their best. They provided everything they could for me.  I needed to let all the resent I had towards them go. So I did. I let it go. And now I miss them. I wish that I lived down the street from them that my kids recognized their faces from seeing them so often, just out & about, or on our weekly Sunday visits, that I would insist we have. Instead we settle for Sunday night skype night. 

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It may sound weird...that I would go back in time & maybe change the way my life went. I have 2 children that I love & adore, a husband that needs me & I need him, so how could I  possibly go back & change something knowing that it would change the outcome of my life now. It kind of sounds like I'm saying that I don't like my life now. That's  not true.So not true.  I like my life, now. I just don't like my past. I don't like living with regrets, ya know. Some things I would change considering what I know now & not what I thought then. But hey, I can't go back. We all know that. So I go forward, clutching on to the lessons I have learned. I believe that's what life is about. Learning, growing, changing. You can never go back, but what a blessing it is to  move forward  a wiser more mature smarter woman. That in itself, for me, is a huge gift! Peace n love

generations

Social media amazes me. It makes me wish I was 10 years younger. That's the generation that grew up with the internet. They know it as well as we know what it was like to have to bookcover your school books, because they were at least 5 years new or something. Seriously. I would have loved to have grew up with the internet at my fingertips.

seriously

I'm pretty sure I would be a different person. A smarter person. The internet has defiantly made me smarter. I mean, my hubby & I watch TED video's together all the time. They educate us, right?! Facebook...I have a love/hate relationship with. I love how easy it is for me to keep in touch with my family. To be able to see my cousin's baby's & for my parents to see my babies, so easily. But I hate it...because I think it's like a brag book. People only post the good shit going on in their life. No body hangs out their dirty laundry on facebook. At least, nobody in my generation. I think my generation still feel the effects at how terrible our parents were with communication. I mean what the hell was wrong with those baby boomers...I mean, my generation is better, but we are nothing compared to the new up & coming generation that does feel comfortable airing their dirty laundry on facebook & everything else. 


Twitter, I love. I think it is hilarious that we can keep up with celebrity's that easily. I had a few tweet backs from some people that I really like & consider famous, & let me tell ya, it totally made my day. See, that's the other thing with my generation. We grew up with famous people being untouchable. I mean, paparazzi wasn't even anything like what we see know (or maybe I should ask NKOTB this}. I once got a snail mailed picture of "the rocket"  when I was in elementary school. That was a prize pocession, let me tellya.

serioulsy. exact picture

Oh but the internet has also provided us a whole new platform for bullying. It has to end. My heart breaks every time I hear of kids being bullied. It's killing kids. Literally. It has to end. I want to help find a way to take control of what is happening with our children, with my children. And on that note I am going to go "cuggle" with my boys. My babies.

What can I say

I tried to start a new blog, but it just didn't feel right. Mommy's lil Corner is where I belong. This is the right space, & maybe even the only space, that I feel comfortable expressing myself. So, this is where I will stay...or where I will come back to anyways. 

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I am going to update with posts that I wrote for My life of Sunshowers. Like all my posts, I put my heart into them so I want to share them here. 


I hope you can welcome me back into the bloggy world. I have missed you all & am really hoping for connections with you, again. I have become buried under this life as wife & mommy. I love it, but holy crap it's hard to find the balance....I feel like I know myself better then I ever have. I get myself in way that has given me some peace. But, I feel like I can't really express it... "Sherri" is not really who I am anymore, I'm "Mommy" now, but let me tellya, "Sherri" wants out & I think this is the perfect place for me to let loose. OooohhhhYayyyyyyyy!

Exciting stuff

Hello beautiful bloggy friends. Just wanted to pop in & let you know that I have started another blog. I'm trying something a little different, a little more personal & would love for you to check it out. I love Mommy's lil Corner & I plan on keeping this blog going at least a little bit. This is where I will post pictures of my boys & document their life.

christmas 2011

Anyways, I'm just catching up on some of your blogs & what can I say. Lots of exciting stuff going on....new babies on the way. New babies that arrived. New boyfriends traded in for old husbands, I swear it's never dull here in bloggy land! I hope you are all well & I have missed you all & thought about you over these last few months. Odd, considering I have never met any of you in "real life", but when my heart is touched it stays touched & I never forget. And I haven't forgot a single one of you!

Inspiration

*tweeted by @AshleySpivey

35 seems pretty old

Ugh. I have a birthday coming up. A mid life one...the big 3 5.....even though I still like to think I don't look a day older then 30!! I don't, right?! 

viaAnyways, I'm not really enjoying the whole build up to the birthday, thing. Remember when we were 17 & 35 seemed pretty old. I was sure, like surrrre that I would have my shiznat figured out. But I don't, like not at all, maybe...I mean, yes I have the family I always dreamed of....a house & neighborhood that I like....but, I still think about what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not enjoying the feeling of, I'm too old to do anything about it. I mean yes, I could go back to school, but there is NO CHANCE in HELL that I would want a student loan again, I mean I just finished paying off my student loan from 15 years ago....and if we payed for it, it would make our life alot more money tight then it is now & I don't really feel its fair to do that to the rest of my family.

And then there is where I live. It's a big  kind of a bone of contention in my marriage actually. I don't want to live in this city anymore. I'm not a city girl, like I thought I was. At least not this big of a city. I want to move home. Back to my little Island & raise my boys there.  I think about it all the time way too often. What it would be like to have my parents close by...to be able to get to know my gorgeous niece...to have a support network at my fingertips. To live somewhere, where traffic is laughable, I mean there is no traffic. It doesn't take 2 damn hours to do a small errand. I want to move back. But...it's not that simple. My husband has a really good job here...he can not imagine what it would be like to move that far east. He's not really willing...So, here is where we stay. Sucky.

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I don't know. The whole birthday thing has gotten me thinking about who I want to be for the next 35+ years. I mean, I know who I have been & I am working on accepting that person. And now I feel I have this opportunity as a mother, as a women, to be some one different. I have a idea now of life & I since having kids I sure don't take it for granted. I feel different then the person I was 10 years ago....so different. I mean, talk about maturing in the last ten years, I did that. Now, it's time for me to shine...I just feel it:)

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We are all excited about Halloween tomorrow!! I wish it was today though, since it is so beautiful outside, but it will fun regardless of the weather. Z is being a ninga & wy is a purple but he thinks he is barney{you know, that purlple singing dinosaur} so we are going with that!! I love my kids!!

Can you really ever come back...

too the blogging world?? Well, I am going to try friends. Wow. It's been a looooooong time. Lots has happened some good, some not so good, you know real life stuff. I can't really explain why I haven't been around or maybe i can. It started with a comment I got, about a comment I made during a commenting challenge & I felt so terrible & so completely misunderstood, that I decided to take a bloggy break....a couple weeks, I thought. I was still reading blogs like crazy though, just not writing. Then, the not so good stuff i will get into all of that, i promise in my life started to happen and everyone else seemed to be living this wonderful amazing life, & I started to feel.....jealous. So, I do what I do & I quit writing. A mistake. I should have been writing, it's probably when I needed to be most. Regret. But I can change it all up now & start writing again, about the good, the bad, the ugly, I'm going to write about it all! This is what I have decided to do with my lil corner here!! If anyone still reads, thank you from the bottom of my heart! I have missed you all, even though I know you only from the words you write, I still feel very connected to some of you & I CANNOT wait to go visit your blogs & see what you have been up too!! I maybe a little gunshy on making comments, but I want to let you know that I am back & I have missed you!! Now a few pics of my boys to catch ya up....

wy, growing growing & growing

z caught his 1st fish this summer

there they are Z & Wy