Thursday, February 16, 2012

Confused yet

I'm sad & lonely tonite. It's funny considering I live in a house full of boys~ one hubby & 2 sweet sweet sons~ but they are sleeping,  plus it's not them i'm missing. I'm missing my family, like my ma, pa, bro family. Ugh. Living so far away from them was a terrible mistake. If I had the opportunity to kick my heels 3 times & go back to my little island... be 20 again...I would make a different decision. I would not have left. I mean, I had no idea at the time that I would leave & never really be able to find my way back. I was young, the free-spirit kind & I wasn't thinking what  my future would be like...I left because I wanted to leave, period. I'm completely took for granted that I could  go back any time I wanted to.  I was very young & very stupid. I always believed that the problem was something else, where I lived, who I lived with, took me a while to figure out why the problems always seemed to follow me....I was the fucking problem. 

I was raised in an extremely sheltered environment. I have very loving parents, but man-o-man do they have their issues. My biggest problem with them now, as an adult, is that I don't feel that they raised me to survive in the world, properly...they didn't provide me with the necessary life skills, I guess. This is getting confusing...long story short, my mother has OCPD. Among many things one of the symptoms of OCPD is the need to control.  I was the first born, her baby girl, & she controlled me. Again, sounding confusing...she picked out my clothes for me every morning for school, I  had very little say. I did not ever once make my bed, do laundry, vacuum, cook or bake the 18 years I lived there {of course, these are just a few examples...her control leaked into many areas of my life}. I wasn't really allowed to spend time alone in my room {in case i made a mess, cleaning is another huge deal for mom}Then at a very young 17 I left home. I graduated high school in my small town & moved to the "big city" and it wasn't good folks. I had no damn clue what i was doing & that is very relevant in my memories of life gone by. So, I guess I blame them for that. They set me up to fail & then, because of their own issues, were not able to be there for me when I needed them. So damn them for that. 

But that is only one part of my parents. For years I dwelled on that part alone. All the ways they screwed me over. I blamed them for a long time. But in the last couple of years I feel things changing inside of me. I don't care as much anymore. Hell, I'm a parent now & I get how hard it truly is to parent. I realize that they loved me & did their best. They provided everything they could for me.  I needed to let all the resent I had towards them go. So I did. I let it go. And now I miss them. I wish that I lived down the street from them that my kids recognized their faces from seeing them so often, just out & about, or on our weekly Sunday visits, that I would insist we have. Instead we settle for Sunday night skype night. 


It may sound weird...that I would go back in time & maybe change the way my life went. I have 2 children that I love & adore, a husband that needs me & I need him, so how could I  possibly go back & change something knowing that it would change the outcome of my life now. It kind of sounds like I'm saying that I don't like my life now. That's  not true.So not true.  I like my life, now. I just don't like my past. I don't like living with regrets, ya know. Some things I would change considering what I know now & not what I thought then. But hey, I can't go back. We all know that. So I go forward, clutching on to the lessons I have learned. I believe that's what life is about. Learning, growing, changing. You can never go back, but what a blessing it is to  move forward  a wiser more mature smarter woman. That in itself, for me, is a huge gift! Peace n love

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