Saturday, October 30, 2010

Mommy issues

I keep saying how I want people to find this blog & feel a connect.Then I realized that maybe I should start talkin. Start giving people something to connect with. There are a good many things, both good & bad, that I could write about & want to write about someday, eventually. It is harder then I expected. This whole blogging thing. Even though no one is reading it(a shout out to my new, first follower!!! Thx), I still find myself holding back. It is scary to put stuff about yourself out there. Especially if you are someone like me, who has been overly careful for years, & years & years to not hang my dirty laundry out for people to view. I mean, who likes to see  period panties(LOL) blowing in the wind, anyways? So, I kept my all my personal junk inside. For years, seriously. I'm ready now. To let some of it out. It's just damn scary. Plus, I have no idea where exactly to begin....
So, I guess I'll dip my toe into my childhood. Yeeks. Okay, so I love my MOM & I love my DAD. But I have alot of unresolved issues with both my parents. Alot, alot. I guess the hardest part to talk about is my mom. It gets very confusing to me. Her & mine relationship. Growing up in her house, for me, was pretty much unbearable. And I kinda think it damaged me, as a person. She had OCD & some major control issues. Instead of being a mom to me  I was just one more thing that she had to obssess about & control. It was/is very hard. I could go on & on with examples of what are relationship was like, but I don't know if I should. It wasn't pretty, that's for sure.  I was not a daughter or a friend to her. She couldn't connect with that me. I am sure there are/were moments when she thought It was just her luck, to have a rebel daughter like me. One who didn't want to be controlled. I fought her at every single corner. And I'm 100% Irish, so I can fight!! ha! It was bad  at times. Real bad.  I moved out when I was 17. This is where my parents failed me the most. When I was 17, just graduated from Highschool, they made it clear that it was time for me to be on my own. To move out of their home. Maybe then, Life will be easier for your mother. Even now, just typing it, I  feel a lil rage. I guess I will have to give some examples. Because of my mom's control issues, I did not learn the things that you need to learn to make it on your own. Deep Breath. When I moved of my parents home I did not know how to: cook, never cooked ever. Never made my bed. Never spent the night alone by myself. Had no idea how to do laundry, i could go on & on. my roommate (who I am still friends with. She bailed out on me after 3 months. Thankfully, we have big laughs about it now). Not only that, they raised me very sheltered. Very catholic sheltered. Of course, I didn't realize that then. But I sure realized, very quickly, when I was out there on my own. I failed. Miserably. I never went back home. I could never move back. I lived away for 8 years & my mom only visited me once. But get this. I called them every single night. I tell them I love them & I mean it. They are my mom & dad & they made alot of mistakes where I am concerned. But, you know, what can you do? I will only ever have one mom & one dad. I'm strong. And I can handle their issues better now. But you have no idea how much I would love to have a first real mother/daughter memory. Because I have none. Her illness wouldn't let her. We never let loose together. Never really spent time laughing together. Such a stressful realtionship we have had. I wish I could end this post by saying something, I 'll work on making that memory today....or, I know that can & will be different. But I can not say those things. Because they are not true. And there ya go.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Sometimes, when the kids let me, I just sit on the computer & roam around. As if i'm in a mall weaving in & out of stores. Not really looking FOR anything, but looking AT everything. Roaming. It's what I seem to do when I'm in this kind of mood. On a grey kinda Sunday. The baby is sleeping. Hubby & Z are together at work. Time by myself. Thinking. Of all the things I thought I knew, but don't. Such a harsh reality getting older. Realizing u don't know a damn thing. Wild. I was a very, very naive child. My parents kinda did me wrong & completely sheltered me. I grew up believing that adults knew everything, & when I too became an adult I would know everything. What a laugh.
I crave to be different. I so don't want to be a cookie cutter person. I am trying to cut all cookie cutter people out of my life. Excepts for the ones I love, of course. To me a cookie cutter person is someone who wants to be like everyone else. Popular. Safe choices. Damn near kill themselves trying to fit in. To make it look all shiny, calm & smooth on the outside. When the insides are normally a mess. Well, I'm not shiny on the outside. And I sure am a mess on the inside. I tried for years to hide the true me. To be a cookie cutter. To live up to society's standards. It's been freeing, letting that go. But lonely at times. As it often can be for us differents. I would be lying if I said there wasn't times when I wished. Wished that life was easier for me. But what do I know. Like really, what do I know.
I'm so opened minded at times, I'm afraid it has becoming some kind of  fault. I forget that most people at my age have their minds made up about things. They lived. Experienced. Weighed their options. Have decided what they have decided. For me, being open-minded & non-judging go hand in hand . I could never judge anyone. I just can't. Maybe that's because I am person who has been judged, & judged & judged. What can I say. I'm a free spirit. In a society that sees people as black or white, right or wrong. I'm grey. All grey, baby. It's both a blessing & curse. I've kinda accepted it. Owning it even. But man, it has come with it's challenges. My family. Very conservative. Small town. Closed minded. My in-laws. Small town. Extremely small town. Closed minded. Well, maybe not so much closed minded, but they really aren't into the whole free spirit thing.   But I have held back for so damn long. I just want to let it out. To fly. Or something.Lol. Scream something like FREE SPIRITS UNITE.
The most amazing thing about being your true self. Owning it. You realize their are more of you out there. Let me tell ya, that has been the best BEST thing for me. Knowing that their are other wild, crazy, fierce, strong, free spirited woman out there. Who like to shake it up. They come rough around the edges. But inside they are A-MAZ-ING. I spent so much of my teen years, my 20's, feeling alone. I could not figure out where I belonged. Struggling with who I thought I should be, & who I was. All this time, I belonged to this group. This awesome group of free spirited people, who see the world just a little differently. Just like me.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I heart Kelle Hampton

I think I touched on it in my first ever blog. That there was a woman that inspired me in this crazy blog world. Oh my, it is 100% Kelle Hampton! Never, have I felt so connected with someone in this virtual world as I do with her, her blog & her family. Seriously. It borders on ridiculous, & my husband can not "get it" at all. But I get it. And so does she!! It's funny. If her & I were somehow in the same community, I am sure we would be friends. So it only makes sense that we are friends in this kind of community, right?! When I first stumbled on her blog, it was a week before her second baby was to be born. I was just getting my toes wet with the blog world, & there she was. Totally, loved her! I can't really explain it, but if I had the creativity, the strength that she has, I would have wrote some of the exact same words as her. I totally understood what she talking about, what she was feeling. Cuz, I was right there too. Once Nella was born her blog kinda took off, & I went right along with it. Happy every time there was a new post from her. At times, I felt that she was writing it to me. Right down to her music choice on her play list. Connected. I read her blog for months, never leaving a comment. Just happy to hear from her & catch a glimpse of her beautiful fam. A couple of months ago, I woke up one morning & decided that today was the day. I would  type out the letter that I had been writing her for months in my head. I did it. She responded back with in 15 minutes. She got it. Sigh. I was so pumped. Even my hubby was stoked for me. So here I am now. Writing my own blog. My own Venting cornor in this virtual world. Cool. Cool.

Monday, October 18, 2010

In the moment

So, I'm not really sure yet what I am doing with this whole blog thing. I defiantly feel the urge to connect with people. People who just get it, you know. I want to spend the next however many years left of my life honestly, & truly to be surrounded by people I love & people who just freaking get me!! I have not linked this blog to my  fb page, nor have a told a single sole (other then my hubby, but we kinda share souls:). Yet, I check every hour, to see if there any comments. My wish of people stumbling upon me, here in this lil corner in the web world, & feeling a connect. I have felt this connect with only one person in the blog world. And she is a very big reason why I have finally started to hit the keyboard. I must admit, I have definitely fallen in love with the tip-tap of every key. Writing my story. Love it.
I'm never sure what I am going to write about when I first sit down to at my computer. I still feel nervous about the whole thing. As much as I feel disappointed when I have had no blog hits, I also feel relief! I'm so freakin scared of putting everything out there. What if the wrong person read it and....and....I'm not sure what...but's scary, trust me! Wait, I do know what!!! What if they judge me? If there is one I hate, it's judgment. I have been judge by people much my whole life. Some positive judgments but mostly bad judgment. The painful ones. So hell ya, I am scared of telling my story. One that I have kept in, lied about, denied, pretty much my whole entire life. Now, I have this crazy idea that if I tell it ,maybe some teenage chick out there is reading it, & realizes that her & I have some similarities. And she keeps reading. And maybe it helps her feel less alone. Then it will be really worth it. I mean all my mistakes, all my hurt, it will worth it to me if it could help someone feel less alone. I have felt alone for a long long time. I'm talking about the kind of alone that lives inside of you. You can be surrounded by people, even people who love you to your core, & still feel sad & alone. It's whacked. I have been there. And some days I still find myself there. But I got myself some new skills, so those days of feeling alone are less & less. But still there.
Okay, so I thought that I would probably be blogging  for about a year before I would open up about this, but for some reason, right now, in this moment, feels like the right time. Deep breath. I have generalized anxiety disorder, from now on called simply anxiety. It has been very freeing for me to now have a name attached to the feeling. I have always had anxiety, & clearly remember my first anxiety attack while I was in grade 4. Anxiety has ruled & ruined parts of my life. Parts that I will never ever get back. And I have alot of work to do on letting all of that go. But, for so long I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I literally felt that way since I was 9. As a 9 year old, I had had my first anxiety/panic attack & clearly believed that i was possessed or an alien or  something. My family was a very straight, irish catholic family. They wanted nothing out of the oridinary in their family. So I never told them anything. I never told that my teacher made fun of me in front of the whole class. That I waited 5 minutes, put up my hand & asked to go to the bathroom. I ran into the stall, collapsed to the floor cried & tried to catch my breathe. The whole time I wanted someone to come into the bathroom so bad, to come check on me, but at the same time i wished with all my might that no one would walk thru that door. They didn't. I finally caught my breath, stood up, washed my face & walked back into the classroom as if nothing happened. And so it began. Years & years of private anxiety. Of course something of that nature can not stay quiet forever. I was recently "outed" (of my anxiety disorder)this May to my in laws. A horrifying experience. It was my biggest fear of all time. The best part of it all being out there. It's not my biggest fear anymore! So, there ya go :)!!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Rocked it

I went dancing last night. At this crazy, young, dirty dance bar. Every city or town has one. Where everyone says they don't want to go, but secretly do, & always end up there. Yup. That's where we went last night. I was worried that I was going to feel all old & stuff, knowing that it is such a young crowd, but i totally didn't!!! I didn't feel 19, but I didn't feel old. Yay for that!! I think I rocked it. I had fun. I looked good. Felt good. I even brought out the dancing on top of tables Sherri, & she is one of my favorite Sherri's!! Lol. In a way it was strange. Kinda like stepping into a time machine. I felt like I was in the same room with my 19 year old self. It was almost like I was looking for her. I could feel the energy. The drunkenness. I remember when it was me & my gang & seeing the cougars come in & dance their lil hearts out. Honestly, I always liked watching the oldies dance(yes when I was 19 I thought 30 was old. boo me!), they had a certain sense of freedom to them. I couldn't even come to close to understanding that then. But now I get it. I mean hell, I was them last night. I felt free. I wasn't looking for anything except some dance space. At one point I was dancing on the ledge around the dance floor. I had a bird's eye view of the dance floor. All i could see was chaos. It was insane. All this drunk, loud, going crazy young people, just freaking giving it. There were people passed out in one corner, a fight happening in another. Tons of gropping, kissing, grinding, drinks being dropped. Complete chaos. All I could think of was Nope, I do not miss you at all!  It felt liberating, to feel like I was in a completely different spot then i was 10 years ago. I like where I am. Knowing that my husband & kidlets were home in bed. That I would wake up in the morning, drink coffee, play with the kids & beg & plead my husband to give me just a lil nap. A really, really quick one. Please, please.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Ice Breaker

Wow! Am I really doing this?? Finally. I have thought, & thought & thought about it. So it here goes. I really have no idea what i am doing. But I have always had this feeling, this strong feeling, of wanting to connect. I thought, maybe I could make a difference or something. I'm not sure. I just know that as much as I am unique I am similar.
 I use to work at a camp. I loved it! It was awesome. One of the ice breaker games we played with the kids was what is your age, your favorite color, something u love, & if u could have any super power what would it be. So, let's get to know each other. I dare you to do the same!! Lol
So, I am 32 years old. Early thirties. I have actually enjoyed my 30's so far. I mean, compared to my 20's.  I was a mess pretty much my whole 20's. No clue. Just kinda wandering in my life. Getting in trouble here or there. I definitely chose fear in my 20's. Definitely. I hate that. I don't know why I would have made that choice. Well, I guess I kinda do now. But still. I hate hate that I chose it.
My favorite color has been & always will be purple. Love it, love it! Purple makes me happy. I love wearing it. I love being surrounded in it. If I had my way I would have my whole house in purple. Just my luck that I live with a bunch of men.....that brings me to what I love. Funny. Thinking back, I remember what I use to answer to this question when I was simply just a camp counselor. Music. Then music was for sure my #1 love. I kinda couldn't live without. It had brought me back to life time & time again. I always answered music. Now my answer.... My family. My boys. All 3 of them. My oldest Z is 4 & W is almost, getting way to close, to 2, & D, my hubby. They are now, FOR SURE FOR SURE my #1 loves. Sigh. Talk about being brought back to life.
I have always wished for the same super power. Now my super power as a mommy would be the super power to always protect your children. To let them live free, happy & healthy, just safely in this bubble of protection in which they would live forever, safely. Nothing more then normal cuts & bruises. Yes. I would definitely wish for that super power. But I also remember the super power I yearned for when I was 20's. To go back. Change my mistakes. To whisper in my ear that everything was going to be fine. To just breathe. To whisper that I wasn't alone. And that someday, in a small way, everything would come together & make sense. A lil sense, anyways.
This is what this blog is to me. A way of reaching out. To maybe be a whisper in someone's ear. To let them know that I also struggled, & am still struggling with who I am. Who I want to be. I'm not a cookie cutter girl. Nothing really ever came easy to me. I'm not sure if it is that way for everybody. All I know is that it was never that way for me. I have worked, & worked & made mistake after mistake. To end here. In a place surrounded by other woman, who maybe haven't needed to work as hard. Who haven't made as many mistakes as I have. And yet here we are. In the same place. Mothers to young children. Wives to husbands we love, although not the love we dreamed about lying on our little girl beds talking to our girlfriends. Playing that game, what was it called....u gave 4 choices for husbands, for choices for what kind of house, etc. No, it defiantly not the same.  We are all here just trying to figure it out. This time, I don't want to be locked inside myself. This time I want a voice. I want My Voice. So, hello!!! I think this is going to be fun :)!!!!