My love story

On our very first date. D told me that he was for sure never getting married, & never having kids. I could ask any one of his friends, & they would tell me this. He assured me. I think I just smiled. But I can't believe I keep sitting there. Well, yes I can. I was already crazy about him. We had worked together for 2 years, each of us dating other people the whole time. Worked to together but didn't hang out, or anything. Then we ended up on a work place curling team. I never curled. He was pretty good. He was the skip. We hung out. We curled. Drank beers. Fell in love. I knew that he was going to be my husband from that very first date on. I guess that's why I kept sitting there. I can't really explain it, it was just a deep gut feeling. Intuition, maybe. It doesn't matter, I just new. The beginning of our relationship was weird. I was the happiest I had ever been every single time I hung out with him. I loved every moment of it. But on the other hand I was dealing with a very messy(thanks to me)breakup.That turmoil lasted for the first 2 & half months of our relationship. Then things were really good. Peaceful. We worked. We hung out. We banged. We laughed.  Those few months were awesome. Then wha bam, I got preggers. It was a shock! A crazy, crazy shock. I remember those moments as if they were yesterday. The test. Sitting together waiting. The positive sign. The speechlessness. The crying. We both went to work. I felt like I was a different person. I had life inside of me. What the hell. That whole day was very dreamlike. I wasn't panicked or fearful or anything. Just very very numb. Unsure of what I should do. Can I still eat the Mcdick's I was planning to, or a bran muffin & fruit or something... My world had just changed in front of my eyes. I guess maybe, I was a little in shock. D & I didn't say much about it those first few days. We snuggled together alot . He drank. A 40 of Rye in 3 days. The next day. When the Rye was all gone. He sat on the bed with me & said "I'm in if u are." I looked back, smiled & told him "definitely in." That was that. We were going to be parents. Together. A family. We moved. We had our baby & we fell more in love with each other. Married each other. We still love each other. I can still feel the flame burning!
Although at lest once a day I wish I had a cold bucket of water to throw on it. Like seriously, how can we speak the same language & he only get 50% of what I am saying? I swear he heard a 100% of it when we were dating!!!!!

Thoughts

I'm not sure about you guys, but for me, getting older IS SO NOT what I thought. I think I said before, I am a product of some crazy ass sheltering parents, & somehow my how idea of reality got  warped. Big time. I didn't even know it until the I turned 20. Crazy. But whatever. I really, really thought that life would get easier. I mean, in a way, in a small way it does, but again, just not what I thought. Here is what I thought from highschool on(in the brackets is what really happened)...graduate(barely but did)secondary education(barely but did)stay in small province in our little town forever (flew out of small town airport Nov 98 to stay in a big city with my aunt & uncle for a few weeks. Never lived back home)tons of friends(more like friends in & out of my life. A revolving door. Many didn't stay long) live a meaningful life.... Be the person my catholic, irish parents raised me to be(I had no clue who I really was. A person stuck in the middle of who they want to be, & who they really are & who they were raised to be. Not catholic. As soon as I moved out of my parents home @ 17, I never went back to the church. Except for a short stint at a really desperate time. I was hollow. I chose all sorts of bad things to fill the hole. Meaningless sex. Drinking. Partying. Lying. Whatever. I know I will get into that stuff later. For sure though, not living a meaningful life). Meet a wonderful guy. In small town where I grew up. Date for 2 years. Get engaged. Buy a house. Big huge wedding. Wait for a couple years. Have two kids. One boy. One girl (Met my husband while I was in a long term realtionship with someone else. Broke off with the other guy-a very traumatic experience for me-dated D for about 7 month when I got knocked up with Z, moved to two provinces to a big huge city, rented a crappy townhouse for 4 years. . Zman arrived September 06. Got engaged Christmas 07. Got married June 08 in a small lodge in the mountains with just our immediate families, 10 guests. Got pregnant wedding night. Wy man arrived Feb09. Just moved into our house in August 10). Once, I am happily married. I will forever be happily married sipping drinks together, in our pajama's watching tv, rolling in all our money (oh gawd. Marriage...i don't even know what to say. I am happily married  & I looooooooove my hubby, but marriage is much more like doing business then I could ever ever have imagined. It's like, at the alter, they should have little disclaimer saying that u are not only committing your life to someone, you are also committing yourself to work. That, and they should say that marriage comes with a twisted, 2 sided coin. One side saying love. The other saying hate. They should let you know that coin will flip & flip thru out your marriage. They really should let you know. What a blindside.lol! Thankfully, for me, both me & hubby are committed to working. And growing together. That is so important).

The story continues of course. Now, I am mommy. I have 2 littles. Everyday they teach me things. So many great things. That I forget, that I'm teaching them to. I'm more aware now. But let me tell you, I still have the what I thought would happen(and what is really happening)going on. I'm guessing, I probably always will. Peace out peeps:)

Typical

Mommy to 2 boys. 

That's me. Personally, I love not having the typical million dollar family. 1 boy. 1 girl. No, that's not what was in the cards for me. I think anything that has the word million in it, isn't for me. Lol. And well let's just say anything with the word typical in it, doesn't really fit  me. I'm not typical. My kids aren't typical. My marriage isn't typical. Nope, there isn't a whole lot typical about me. Except when it comes to being mommy. Then I get really typical. Typical mommy worries. Typical mommy coffee drinker. Typical broke mommy. Yes, I can get way to typical in that catagory. 

But just because I'm not typical doesn't mean that I'm not cool! Remember in highschoool when all the "different" type of kids were totally NOT cool. That's right, at least in my highschool, if you didn't wear french bagging jeans, claim that you were going to keep your legs tightly closed until marriage, and sit with the kids who sat in the cool landing above the stairs, well then, people will be nice to you. But you are not cool. Sorry, dude. I once tried to sit there. At the cool landing. As soon as I sat down this guy turn to me & said sorry dude, that's seat taken. Now, if I was really cool I would have caught up & gave him the finger or flashed my tits & said now who is calling who a dude. But no. I hung my head. Probably went in the bathroom & cried. Who knows. But alot of those kids who were different in highschool, have turned out to be pretty damn cool. Once you got to know them outside those ugly brick classroom walls. And the cool kids. Well, they are probably living there typical little lives, with their perfect typical little children, in their perfectly typical little house, with their beautiful typical husband/wife, & they are all probably miserable. Typically. 

Little black clouds

I use to be a very jealous person. I think that goes with judging yourself as harshly as I did. I constantly compared myself to everybody. Girls, mostly. I took pieces of girls that I admired, for one reason or another. I adapted their walk. Or they way they danced. A story that had a big positive reaction, I stole & used as my own (man, I tell ya, this blog is becoming my own private confessional). I did everything I could to create someone new, because I didn't feel like I was good enough. Boo. Boo, to that. I was so wrong. I'm not so bad. I'm actually, a little tiny bit, cool. I'm different, but different is cool, baby!! Now, now that I am comfortable in my own skin. Now, that my confidence is little bit UP, I do think that I'm kinda cool. I do.
I have regrets. I'm jealous of people who don't. People who have understood this whole time that doing something wrong, or having regrets are part of our journey. My regrets use to make me feel extremely uneasy. Pukey, even. Like, they are little black clouds in my past. Little black cartoon bubble clouds that would say"this is where I let my good friend slip away. because I couldn't face her". "or this is where I made yet another bad decision". Regrets. I have them. Tons of them. But, it's okay now. Really, I get it. It took me longer then most, I would guess. But my regrets are okay with me now. At least a little bit. My regrets do revolve mostly around friends. I let alot of really awesome, cool people slip away from me. I mean we are facebook buddies now, sure, but that's hardly the same. Yes, I definitely miss some people. I think of them lots. People who are no longer in my life. I wonder if we could be friends again. I'm different now, I would scream. Look at me. I'm a mom. I have two beautiful children. I have changed. I'm not sure if it would matter. Maybe, maybe not. So, I have to find peace with it. And I do. Mostly....I have had this thought. I'm going to write letters. Write letters to people I have regrets with. I'm going to post them here. Of course, I'm never going to tell them they are here. But I am going to write them, and hope for peace at the end. Awwwww, sweet, sweet peace!!

Some sort of normal

In my case, anxiety affected many areas of my life over the years. It crept in everywhere. I remember at one point, it being so intense, that I wasn't able to enjoy life at all. I constantly felt...fearful. I constantly had a ball in the pit of my stomach. Just thinking of it now, makes feel a little shaky. I still get that ball sometimes, but it is no longer constant. Thank Fuck, for that! Lol. But seriously, I feel for anyone who has felt this kind of anxiety in their life. It can be a very dark, lonely place, at times. I know. I have been there. For a long, long time I thought I was alone. I even remember, in my teenage years, wishing I was an alcoholic or a shoplifter, or something that made some sort of sense. Even if it was criminal. At least, I might have been able to grasp that a little bit better. At least I knew there were other people out there "like that". Now, I'm ashamed to admit this, but it goes to show how low someone can feel when they are suffering from anxiety. In my darkest times as a teenager, I wished for cancer. I did. I wished for it. I wanted the sympathy, the understanding, the attention from people. From my parents. If I had cancer then it would trump the anxiety. Wow. That's a pretty intense thought for a 14 yearold. Sometimes, I wish I could bump into the little me. I would look her straight in the eye & say "listen to me girl. You have anxiety. You suffer from it. You are not alone. You will learn. You will overcome. Be strong. It's a hell of a journey. But fight it. Your life is totally gonna be worth it." Then I would give her the worlds biggest hug, the big, snuggly hugs that I give my kids now, & whisper in her ear that she beautiful. And normal. I would  add that knowing how many times she wondered if she were that....some sort of normal.
My therapist, who I love, told me that people with anxiety often don't finish projects. Don't keep plans. Are very bad with commitments. Have a hard time keeping friends.  My jaw dropped, I'm sure. That was all me. But I had thought, I had believed that it was my personality. That I just wasn't a very good friend, period. At that moment I realized how much anxiety had crept into my life, because I couldn't tell the difference between me or the anxiety. I was overcome with sadness at first. That I didn't know my true authentic self. I was so sad. But then I felt hope. I was learning skills to help me see the difference between how I really felt about something & how the anxiety felt about something. I had to learned to put the anxiety in the corner for a moment & ask myself "ok Sherri, is this how you really feel, or is the anxiety". So many times, so many times it was the anxiety. Kinda shocking to realize that. But so empowering. To realize that I have been there the whole time. The real authentic me. I love it. I love to getting to know her. That's where I leave it for now. My 4 yearold wants to play Handy Manny games, & I already said "5 more minutes". Twice. Funny how this blog has become about my anxiety. I had no idea what I write about it. I have kept anxiety in for so long, that it's damn time it came out! Peace out

A journey

It's been 6 months since I found out I have anxiety disorder. I mean, I knew for a long long time that I had an anxiety problem, but I never really thought it was a disorder. It's been a strange six months. I feel like I have been thru the ringer a little. But i also feel more free then I ever have in my life.  But the feeling that is the most overwhelming is relief. Holy, there were points in my life when I thought I had something much worse wrong with me. Also, the diagnose gave me the answer to my question that I had asked myself, um maybe 100 million times in my life....what's is wrong with me? what the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously, a 100 million times that went thru my head. In May I got my answer. Anxiety.. The tricky thing with anxiety is that it comes out a thousand different ways. It is literally different for everybody. So this blog. This blog is the story of my anxiety. What it has done to me over the years. How it has played into hundreds of bad decisions. Anxiety had power in my life for a long long time. It's still there. But a little less powerless. That's improvement, baby. You are talking to a girl who never ever thought things could be different. That I could be different. For me, anxiety really leaked into my self-esteem. Looking back I can't believe how little confidence I had in myself. It's make me sad. But it also makes me mad. I missed out on alot of pretty amazing opportunities because I didn't believe in myself. Because I couldn't control my freaking anxiety. Because I let the stupid self talk in my head, tell me I couldn't do something. I backed out of everything. I made plans that I never kept. I committed myself to people, events, only to pull out last second. I have literally used every excuse in the book to get out of something that I had wanted to do. That I was excited about. I would wake up in the morning, go thru my whole morning routine, get completely ready for work only to find myself on the phone, telling someone that I was sick. I wont be in today. Hundreds of times. It's embarrassing. Shameful. But it was who I was. WAS. I'm trying. I really am. I have gotten alot better with my self talk & that in its self, has helped huge. I'm motivated. More motivated than I have ever been. I want to know myself. The real me. Not the anxiety ridden person. But me. The girl who loves daises, music, her children.I'm on a journey. A journey to a place where I blame myself for nothing but forgive for everything. Yup, that is where I want to be. I bet there, I will find peace. Finally.

Open, honest & true

I just watched the Portia De Rossi interview on Oprah. Wow. The power of women amaze me. I think she was amazingly brave to go in front of cameras & share that not so beautiful story. That's tough. She is a strong woman. And super hot. I had no idea!! Getting older is definitely bittersweet. But part of the sweetness, for me, has been the appreciation of woman. Because of all my mommy issues, I don't think I really started to appreciate women until I became one. The power of women, of being a woman, is just amazingly awesome. I feel pride when I see a woman who stands up for her self. I seriously have shouted out at times "u go girl"!!There is nothing, nothing, that makes me more interested in someone then a confident person. Not cocky. Just in tune with who they are. They can stand up & shout if they want or need. They are open, honest & true. All the things that I struggle with. Portia, she struggled with who she was, she just wanted to fit in. Her solution became dieting, eventually an eating disorder. I wanted the exact same things as she did. I fought who I was. For her she was fighting being a lesbian, for me I was/am fighting being my parents daughter. Perfection. I didn't become anorexic. Nope. I went a whole different route. Into the crazy world of anxiety. I was always desperate to hide it. I mean, confident people didn't have anxiety, & if they did they were smart enough to use the energy of anxiety to push them, to motivate them. For me, that energy pushed me down, dude. Way, way down. I like to blame alot of people for my anxiety issues, my mother, my peers, my small town, wanting so freakin desperately to fit in. It confused me to who I was. So I led a very confusing kinda lifestyle. Very erratic. All through highschool I woke every morning to my mother vacuming, yelling, that I was already late for school. It was 7 in the morning. She pushed me so much in that hour & half before school that by the time I got to school i was so stressed out. So sad. So confused. That I learned how to pretend. I didn't want anyone to know, that my mom didn't really like. That she cleaned constantly. That I felt worthless. Nope. Didn't anyone to know that. So, I did what I did. I never led an authentic life until my 30's. Until I realized that  I wanted to be happier. That even though I come with issues. Baggage even. I'm worth it. I still have baggage, man, tons of it. But at least I'm aware now. I'm aware of alot of things these days. I'm aware that I have come further, then I thought I could, or would. I'm aware that in the past 2 weeks I had 2 very dear friends tell me that they appreciate me. I'm aware that my husband loves me. He knows all of my dirt, ALL OF MY DIRT & the man is still here. I'm aware that I don't wake in the morning with the feeling of dread in my stomach. I'm aware that 6 boxes of kleenex now lasts twice as long in my house(ever feel like you literally cried your eyes out. Years & years of crying). I'm just plain fucking aware. I wasn't before. I am now. Every woman is uniquely different, yet uniquely the same on some level. On that level, I believe, there is power. Woman Power, baby!!!