Monday, November 15, 2010

Little black clouds

I use to be a very jealous person. I think that goes with judging yourself as harshly as I did. I constantly compared myself to everybody. Girls, mostly. I took pieces of girls that I admired, for one reason or another. I adapted their walk. Or they way they danced. A story that had a big positive reaction, I stole & used as my own (man, I tell ya, this blog is becoming my own private confessional). I did everything I could to create someone new, because I didn't feel like I was good enough. Boo. Boo, to that. I was so wrong. I'm not so bad. I'm actually, a little tiny bit, cool. I'm different, but different is cool, baby!! Now, now that I am comfortable in my own skin. Now, that my confidence is little bit UP, I do think that I'm kinda cool. I do.
I have regrets. I'm jealous of people who don't. People who have understood this whole time that doing something wrong, or having regrets are part of our journey. My regrets use to make me feel extremely uneasy. Pukey, even. Like, they are little black clouds in my past. Little black cartoon bubble clouds that would say"this is where I let my good friend slip away. because I couldn't face her". "or this is where I made yet another bad decision". Regrets. I have them. Tons of them. But, it's okay now. Really, I get it. It took me longer then most, I would guess. But my regrets are okay with me now. At least a little bit. My regrets do revolve mostly around friends. I let alot of really awesome, cool people slip away from me. I mean we are facebook buddies now, sure, but that's hardly the same. Yes, I definitely miss some people. I think of them lots. People who are no longer in my life. I wonder if we could be friends again. I'm different now, I would scream. Look at me. I'm a mom. I have two beautiful children. I have changed. I'm not sure if it would matter. Maybe, maybe not. So, I have to find peace with it. And I do. Mostly....I have had this thought. I'm going to write letters. Write letters to people I have regrets with. I'm going to post them here. Of course, I'm never going to tell them they are here. But I am going to write them, and hope for peace at the end. Awwwww, sweet, sweet peace!!

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