Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Open, honest & true

I just watched the Portia De Rossi interview on Oprah. Wow. The power of women amaze me. I think she was amazingly brave to go in front of cameras & share that not so beautiful story. That's tough. She is a strong woman. And super hot. I had no idea!! Getting older is definitely bittersweet. But part of the sweetness, for me, has been the appreciation of woman. Because of all my mommy issues, I don't think I really started to appreciate women until I became one. The power of women, of being a woman, is just amazingly awesome. I feel pride when I see a woman who stands up for her self. I seriously have shouted out at times "u go girl"!!There is nothing, nothing, that makes me more interested in someone then a confident person. Not cocky. Just in tune with who they are. They can stand up & shout if they want or need. They are open, honest & true. All the things that I struggle with. Portia, she struggled with who she was, she just wanted to fit in. Her solution became dieting, eventually an eating disorder. I wanted the exact same things as she did. I fought who I was. For her she was fighting being a lesbian, for me I was/am fighting being my parents daughter. Perfection. I didn't become anorexic. Nope. I went a whole different route. Into the crazy world of anxiety. I was always desperate to hide it. I mean, confident people didn't have anxiety, & if they did they were smart enough to use the energy of anxiety to push them, to motivate them. For me, that energy pushed me down, dude. Way, way down. I like to blame alot of people for my anxiety issues, my mother, my peers, my small town, wanting so freakin desperately to fit in. It confused me to who I was. So I led a very confusing kinda lifestyle. Very erratic. All through highschool I woke every morning to my mother vacuming, yelling, that I was already late for school. It was 7 in the morning. She pushed me so much in that hour & half before school that by the time I got to school i was so stressed out. So sad. So confused. That I learned how to pretend. I didn't want anyone to know, that my mom didn't really like. That she cleaned constantly. That I felt worthless. Nope. Didn't anyone to know that. So, I did what I did. I never led an authentic life until my 30's. Until I realized that  I wanted to be happier. That even though I come with issues. Baggage even. I'm worth it. I still have baggage, man, tons of it. But at least I'm aware now. I'm aware of alot of things these days. I'm aware that I have come further, then I thought I could, or would. I'm aware that in the past 2 weeks I had 2 very dear friends tell me that they appreciate me. I'm aware that my husband loves me. He knows all of my dirt, ALL OF MY DIRT & the man is still here. I'm aware that I don't wake in the morning with the feeling of dread in my stomach. I'm aware that 6 boxes of kleenex now lasts twice as long in my house(ever feel like you literally cried your eyes out. Years & years of crying). I'm just plain fucking aware. I wasn't before. I am now. Every woman is uniquely different, yet uniquely the same on some level. On that level, I believe, there is power. Woman Power, baby!!!

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