Saturday, October 30, 2010

Mommy issues

I keep saying how I want people to find this blog & feel a connect.Then I realized that maybe I should start talkin. Start giving people something to connect with. There are a good many things, both good & bad, that I could write about & want to write about someday, eventually. It is harder then I expected. This whole blogging thing. Even though no one is reading it(a shout out to my new, first follower!!! Thx), I still find myself holding back. It is scary to put stuff about yourself out there. Especially if you are someone like me, who has been overly careful for years, & years & years to not hang my dirty laundry out for people to view. I mean, who likes to see  period panties(LOL) blowing in the wind, anyways? So, I kept my all my personal junk inside. For years, seriously. I'm ready now. To let some of it out. It's just damn scary. Plus, I have no idea where exactly to begin....
So, I guess I'll dip my toe into my childhood. Yeeks. Okay, so I love my MOM & I love my DAD. But I have alot of unresolved issues with both my parents. Alot, alot. I guess the hardest part to talk about is my mom. It gets very confusing to me. Her & mine relationship. Growing up in her house, for me, was pretty much unbearable. And I kinda think it damaged me, as a person. She had OCD & some major control issues. Instead of being a mom to me  I was just one more thing that she had to obssess about & control. It was/is very hard. I could go on & on with examples of what are relationship was like, but I don't know if I should. It wasn't pretty, that's for sure.  I was not a daughter or a friend to her. She couldn't connect with that me. I am sure there are/were moments when she thought It was just her luck, to have a rebel daughter like me. One who didn't want to be controlled. I fought her at every single corner. And I'm 100% Irish, so I can fight!! ha! It was bad  at times. Real bad.  I moved out when I was 17. This is where my parents failed me the most. When I was 17, just graduated from Highschool, they made it clear that it was time for me to be on my own. To move out of their home. Maybe then, Life will be easier for your mother. Even now, just typing it, I  feel a lil rage. I guess I will have to give some examples. Because of my mom's control issues, I did not learn the things that you need to learn to make it on your own. Deep Breath. When I moved of my parents home I did not know how to: cook, never cooked ever. Never made my bed. Never spent the night alone by myself. Had no idea how to do laundry, i could go on & on. my roommate (who I am still friends with. She bailed out on me after 3 months. Thankfully, we have big laughs about it now). Not only that, they raised me very sheltered. Very catholic sheltered. Of course, I didn't realize that then. But I sure realized, very quickly, when I was out there on my own. I failed. Miserably. I never went back home. I could never move back. I lived away for 8 years & my mom only visited me once. But get this. I called them every single night. I tell them I love them & I mean it. They are my mom & dad & they made alot of mistakes where I am concerned. But, you know, what can you do? I will only ever have one mom & one dad. I'm strong. And I can handle their issues better now. But you have no idea how much I would love to have a first real mother/daughter memory. Because I have none. Her illness wouldn't let her. We never let loose together. Never really spent time laughing together. Such a stressful realtionship we have had. I wish I could end this post by saying something, I 'll work on making that memory today....or, I know that can & will be different. But I can not say those things. Because they are not true. And there ya go.

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