Sunday, October 24, 2010


Sometimes, when the kids let me, I just sit on the computer & roam around. As if i'm in a mall weaving in & out of stores. Not really looking FOR anything, but looking AT everything. Roaming. It's what I seem to do when I'm in this kind of mood. On a grey kinda Sunday. The baby is sleeping. Hubby & Z are together at work. Time by myself. Thinking. Of all the things I thought I knew, but don't. Such a harsh reality getting older. Realizing u don't know a damn thing. Wild. I was a very, very naive child. My parents kinda did me wrong & completely sheltered me. I grew up believing that adults knew everything, & when I too became an adult I would know everything. What a laugh.
I crave to be different. I so don't want to be a cookie cutter person. I am trying to cut all cookie cutter people out of my life. Excepts for the ones I love, of course. To me a cookie cutter person is someone who wants to be like everyone else. Popular. Safe choices. Damn near kill themselves trying to fit in. To make it look all shiny, calm & smooth on the outside. When the insides are normally a mess. Well, I'm not shiny on the outside. And I sure am a mess on the inside. I tried for years to hide the true me. To be a cookie cutter. To live up to society's standards. It's been freeing, letting that go. But lonely at times. As it often can be for us differents. I would be lying if I said there wasn't times when I wished. Wished that life was easier for me. But what do I know. Like really, what do I know.
I'm so opened minded at times, I'm afraid it has becoming some kind of  fault. I forget that most people at my age have their minds made up about things. They lived. Experienced. Weighed their options. Have decided what they have decided. For me, being open-minded & non-judging go hand in hand . I could never judge anyone. I just can't. Maybe that's because I am person who has been judged, & judged & judged. What can I say. I'm a free spirit. In a society that sees people as black or white, right or wrong. I'm grey. All grey, baby. It's both a blessing & curse. I've kinda accepted it. Owning it even. But man, it has come with it's challenges. My family. Very conservative. Small town. Closed minded. My in-laws. Small town. Extremely small town. Closed minded. Well, maybe not so much closed minded, but they really aren't into the whole free spirit thing.   But I have held back for so damn long. I just want to let it out. To fly. Or something.Lol. Scream something like FREE SPIRITS UNITE.
The most amazing thing about being your true self. Owning it. You realize their are more of you out there. Let me tell ya, that has been the best BEST thing for me. Knowing that their are other wild, crazy, fierce, strong, free spirited woman out there. Who like to shake it up. They come rough around the edges. But inside they are A-MAZ-ING. I spent so much of my teen years, my 20's, feeling alone. I could not figure out where I belonged. Struggling with who I thought I should be, & who I was. All this time, I belonged to this group. This awesome group of free spirited people, who see the world just a little differently. Just like me.

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