In the moment

So, I'm not really sure yet what I am doing with this whole blog thing. I defiantly feel the urge to connect with people. People who just get it, you know. I want to spend the next however many years left of my life honestly, & truly to be surrounded by people I love & people who just freaking get me!! I have not linked this blog to my  fb page, nor have a told a single sole (other then my hubby, but we kinda share souls:). Yet, I check every hour, to see if there any comments. My wish of people stumbling upon me, here in this lil corner in the web world, & feeling a connect. I have felt this connect with only one person in the blog world. And she is a very big reason why I have finally started to hit the keyboard. I must admit, I have definitely fallen in love with the tip-tap of every key. Writing my story. Love it.
I'm never sure what I am going to write about when I first sit down to at my computer. I still feel nervous about the whole thing. As much as I feel disappointed when I have had no blog hits, I also feel relief! I'm so freakin scared of putting everything out there. What if the wrong person read it and....and....I'm not sure what...but's scary, trust me! Wait, I do know what!!! What if they judge me? If there is one I hate, it's judgment. I have been judge by people much my whole life. Some positive judgments but mostly bad judgment. The painful ones. So hell ya, I am scared of telling my story. One that I have kept in, lied about, denied, pretty much my whole entire life. Now, I have this crazy idea that if I tell it ,maybe some teenage chick out there is reading it, & realizes that her & I have some similarities. And she keeps reading. And maybe it helps her feel less alone. Then it will be really worth it. I mean all my mistakes, all my hurt, it will worth it to me if it could help someone feel less alone. I have felt alone for a long long time. I'm talking about the kind of alone that lives inside of you. You can be surrounded by people, even people who love you to your core, & still feel sad & alone. It's whacked. I have been there. And some days I still find myself there. But I got myself some new skills, so those days of feeling alone are less & less. But still there.
Okay, so I thought that I would probably be blogging  for about a year before I would open up about this, but for some reason, right now, in this moment, feels like the right time. Deep breath. I have generalized anxiety disorder, from now on called simply anxiety. It has been very freeing for me to now have a name attached to the feeling. I have always had anxiety, & clearly remember my first anxiety attack while I was in grade 4. Anxiety has ruled & ruined parts of my life. Parts that I will never ever get back. And I have alot of work to do on letting all of that go. But, for so long I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I literally felt that way since I was 9. As a 9 year old, I had had my first anxiety/panic attack & clearly believed that i was possessed or an alien or  something. My family was a very straight, irish catholic family. They wanted nothing out of the oridinary in their family. So I never told them anything. I never told that my teacher made fun of me in front of the whole class. That I waited 5 minutes, put up my hand & asked to go to the bathroom. I ran into the stall, collapsed to the floor cried & tried to catch my breathe. The whole time I wanted someone to come into the bathroom so bad, to come check on me, but at the same time i wished with all my might that no one would walk thru that door. They didn't. I finally caught my breath, stood up, washed my face & walked back into the classroom as if nothing happened. And so it began. Years & years of private anxiety. Of course something of that nature can not stay quiet forever. I was recently "outed" (of my anxiety disorder)this May to my in laws. A horrifying experience. It was my biggest fear of all time. The best part of it all being out there. It's not my biggest fear anymore! So, there ya go :)!!