Thursday, October 14, 2010

Ice Breaker

Wow! Am I really doing this?? Finally. I have thought, & thought & thought about it. So it here goes. I really have no idea what i am doing. But I have always had this feeling, this strong feeling, of wanting to connect. I thought, maybe I could make a difference or something. I'm not sure. I just know that as much as I am unique I am similar.
 I use to work at a camp. I loved it! It was awesome. One of the ice breaker games we played with the kids was what is your age, your favorite color, something u love, & if u could have any super power what would it be. So, let's get to know each other. I dare you to do the same!! Lol
So, I am 32 years old. Early thirties. I have actually enjoyed my 30's so far. I mean, compared to my 20's.  I was a mess pretty much my whole 20's. No clue. Just kinda wandering in my life. Getting in trouble here or there. I definitely chose fear in my 20's. Definitely. I hate that. I don't know why I would have made that choice. Well, I guess I kinda do now. But still. I hate hate that I chose it.
My favorite color has been & always will be purple. Love it, love it! Purple makes me happy. I love wearing it. I love being surrounded in it. If I had my way I would have my whole house in purple. Just my luck that I live with a bunch of men.....that brings me to what I love. Funny. Thinking back, I remember what I use to answer to this question when I was simply just a camp counselor. Music. Then music was for sure my #1 love. I kinda couldn't live without. It had brought me back to life time & time again. I always answered music. Now my answer.... My family. My boys. All 3 of them. My oldest Z is 4 & W is almost, getting way to close, to 2, & D, my hubby. They are now, FOR SURE FOR SURE my #1 loves. Sigh. Talk about being brought back to life.
I have always wished for the same super power. Now my super power as a mommy would be the super power to always protect your children. To let them live free, happy & healthy, just safely in this bubble of protection in which they would live forever, safely. Nothing more then normal cuts & bruises. Yes. I would definitely wish for that super power. But I also remember the super power I yearned for when I was 20's. To go back. Change my mistakes. To whisper in my ear that everything was going to be fine. To just breathe. To whisper that I wasn't alone. And that someday, in a small way, everything would come together & make sense. A lil sense, anyways.
This is what this blog is to me. A way of reaching out. To maybe be a whisper in someone's ear. To let them know that I also struggled, & am still struggling with who I am. Who I want to be. I'm not a cookie cutter girl. Nothing really ever came easy to me. I'm not sure if it is that way for everybody. All I know is that it was never that way for me. I have worked, & worked & made mistake after mistake. To end here. In a place surrounded by other woman, who maybe haven't needed to work as hard. Who haven't made as many mistakes as I have. And yet here we are. In the same place. Mothers to young children. Wives to husbands we love, although not the love we dreamed about lying on our little girl beds talking to our girlfriends. Playing that game, what was it called....u gave 4 choices for husbands, for choices for what kind of house, etc. No, it defiantly not the same.  We are all here just trying to figure it out. This time, I don't want to be locked inside myself. This time I want a voice. I want My Voice. So, hello!!! I think this is going to be fun :)!!!!

No comments: