bathroom floor

The other day I was on a blog hop. I found myself reading a beautiful woman's painful post of living her life as a mother, without her mother. The post began with how the woman's daughter told her at the breakfast table that she was being bullied at school. She wrote about the anxiety this gave her & how an hour after her daughter left for school she found herself on the bathroom floor, sobbing. She wrote that the reason for her sobs were not for her daughter, but for herself. She wrote how she  longed for her mother, who had passed not that long ago(I believe), more then anything she wished she could call her mother on the phone for advice on her daughters bullying problem. She could not. This is what caused her to be on bathroom floor full of grief, sobbing. I so wish I could remember who's post this was. I want to give her credit so bad. It was beautiful, honest & heart breaking. I totally understood. I totally related. Except, my mother is living. Just a phone call away. Except not.

Let me explain...*this is huge for me. I have only ever talked about this with my husband & 2 of my girlfriends. My whole family is Irish, & the Irish, they don't talk about nothin*...My mother & I, we don't have the typical mother/daughter relationship. In fact, I have barely any memories of my mom & I one on one. We never had mommy daughter dates, or spent quiet afternoons alone at home together just hanging out. I lived with  my mother. I lived with both my parents, yet I wasn't really allowed to live there, confused yet?? My mother has OCD. The more serious kind. She was/is a clean freak obsessed & a control freak. She controlled me. Or at least she tried.  I was not the easy going, sure u can control me kind of daughter(is anybody?!). I fought her every step of the way. I caused her alot stress & her me. But the biggest loss in it (for me) is that I didn't have a proper role model. She knew how to love me. She did & does love me. She just didn't know how to make me fit into what she needed on daily bases to just get thru her day. Holy shit, does that even make sense?! Sorry. This is way harder then I expected....

I wanted her to love me so badly. I couldn't understand what was wrong with her. No one even tried to help me understand. Everyone just denied. All I want was to bake cookies with her & talk to her, like really talk. I have often thought that if  I had that type of relationship with her, in which we could communicate with each other,  then I may not have the anxiety issues that I have now. But that's not that way it was. And that's okay. I understand more know. The anger is gone. Which is good. I know she loved me & did the best she could. We have a a very "unique" relationship. We are friends. We can talk about the light stuff for days. I tell her about the my boys. But only the good stories. I'm careful not to stress her out, now. She makes me laugh. So funny. I have learned how to really hold onto the good times with her. When we do connect,  it's powerful because I don't take those moments for granted. Ever.  But still. I have those days. Those hard, stressful, lonely days. When u feel like no one could ever understand the difficulty in finding the balance in this life of mother & wife. Oh, I have found myself on that bathroom floor many times. Wishing. Hoping. Praying. Sometimes I brave a call. Sometimes it goes okay, & sometimes it's too much for her & she has to make excuse to get off the phone. So I cry. Then I pick myself back. I tell myself she is doing the best she can. Just like I am as a Mom. I breathe & try to surround myself with beautiful, strong women. I am so different then her. And for that I am grateful. And so is she(or so she has told me). Onward & forward. Right?!
xo